Slave

My life has been a teeter totter of events.

I am starting to get my footing underneath me. Which is good. I have a lot of things I need to fix. Chiefly, my financial situation. I’ve always known the value of a dollar but I never really thought about what it meant. Most recently, I’ve wondered why I was so devoted to my horses.

I loved them and I didn’t really know why.

I loved what they meant; what they offered. Yet, the day to day grind of taking care of them was something that wore me out. I had to make sacrifices. Had to give them up. I will get them back and I will make amends.

This morning it dawned on me that Jesus sacrificed everything for me. I know that it is a stretch but I need to explain this.

God loves me. He loves me enough to clothe me and feed me. I cannot do anything for him. I cannot hope to repay him. For this purpose I am a “money pit” to God. It has been said that if you are taking care of horses properly you are losing money. The amount of time you put into them will never be returned. Yet, they provide a person with other things.

I love my horses. I will sacrifice everything for them. I didn’t really understand what that meant. What that means.

God loves me. He said I will give up everything for you. He left heaven to come down to this earth. He gave his life for me. He loves me. Jesus loves me.

Do you understand the parallels I am trying to create?

I gave up my security, my safety, my hope of a future for my horses. They cannot do anything for me. They take up all of my time and energy and yet I cannot walk away from them. I’ve tried. Oh, I’ve said I cannot do this over a hundred times.

God has been good. He has opened up doors and done miracles. He has done this because He loves me. God loves me. What God has given no one can take away. Every day I worry that someone will take my horses from me. That I won’t be able to get them back. Every day I push myself because I don’t want to have them stolen from me.

God loves me.

I am scared, worried, stressed and uncertain if God will continue to favor me. I fear that I am living on borrowed time. That my horses will be ripped from me. That people were turn on me. That I will be let down.

God has asked me to trust him and I am but it is a tenuous trust. A trust full of second guesses and doubt. Do you love me? God asks and I say yes Lord, I do. He says then believe in my goodness and trust in ME.

I’ve shut so much out of my life. I’ve run from everything, including God’s love. Yet, he has never stopped loving me. Even when I think I am alone He is there for me.

I write because I need to explore what my imagination creates. I have but one life and I know it will be enough. As I begin to ponder what it means to be me I realize that God loves me and will never let me go.

God has done amazing things.

I dream of being a writer. Of being rich and wealthy. Of never having to worry about money. I will get there and I won’t give up. Each day God sacrifices everything for me. He loves me and wants me to know I am loved.

 

I wish I could write this more eloquently. I wish I could put my feelings into words. For once I realize how limited language is.