Religion: Restless Ruminations

Several of Tim Ferriss’s blogs mention meditation and he writes in them that he tries to spend 15 minutes a day meditating. He stressed the point that he is coming from a secular viewpoint and is in no way promoting religion or a spiritual mindset. I think I might have to disagree with him.

Why?

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Here is the definition of religion: “a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, especially when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs.” via dictionary.com

Meditation is the extended process by which a person clears one’s mind to find a better sense of well being. With that in mind, meditation often talks about expanding one’s awareness to reach out to the greater universe. Above, it talks about the idea of observing rituals and striving to ascertain the purpose of the universe.

We know that there is a fixed point from which everything came. Whether it be a big bang or a supernatural being speaking something into existence; we know we came from somewhere or at least that is the theory. One could argue that we are nowhere and that we simply exist within our minds. Who knows, maybe we are all one cell amoebas thinking of grand adventures while floating in a primordial goo.

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Well, that is really more of a philosophical debate and perhaps I should finish the Thomas Paine book  I was supposed to read for philosophy 101. I have the book around here somewhere, at least I think (therefore I am). Maybe I’m confused because I slept through half of that class. I wish I didn’t, but such is life.

I’m getting to my point, I swear on the Bible? 

I grew up as a Christian. I went to church every Sunday and I followed the path I was supposed to follow. God was the dad I never had. He was bigger than life and Jesus was the savior, the one who heals all. He saved me from my sinful life (which that definition is debateable; sure I’m not perfect but sin is such an ugly word). I prayed every night and I talked to others about Jesus, you could say I was a Jesus freak. An Evangelical Covenant girl for life!

Paradise wasn’t so perfect as there was something that always rubbed me the wrong way and it was the glaring lack of a female deity. Over time I began to think of the Holy Spirit as the feminine aspect of the godhead. More and more I prayed to her, asked her for guidance and support. Although I tried to hide it, by the end of high school my belief in god had faded like an early morning fog. By senior year all I had was a vague memory of what god was. It went downhill from there.

By the time I graduated college I wasn’t a Christian anymore. At graduation I looked around at those I  thought I knew and realized I didn’t want to be like them. I never could be like them, because I was different. Intrinsically and completely different. I don’t know why it took me so long to figure it out. Sometimes, I’m a slow learner.

I’m a quarter Irish and I believe the celtic pantheon is written in my genetic code. Why? Because I think there is some credence to morphic fields and morphic inheritance.  I’ve found that the pagan ways suit my thought patterns. The surprising thing is that I feel more connected to the world when I think of the creation deity as being female. For me the polytheistic idea of gods/goddesses really isn’t multiple people but more of the same god/goddess wearing a different hat. Like I’m a writer, a horseback rider, a salesperson, a cat owner, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an acquaintance, a customer, a client, a dreamer, a sleeper, a doubter, a believer. Do you get the picture?

More than that, though, I’ve noticed a recurring theme within multiple belief systems: the triad.

Think: Freud’s idea of Id, Ego and Superego. The holy trinity Father, Son and Holy Spirit. The Threefold goddess Maiden, Mother and Crone. Why does the idea of three premiate throughout different belief systems? It is known that the most stable arrangement for vehicles is actually the tricycle. I mean think about it. When one side is weak it has the other two to lean on. There isn’t a way to unsettle the tripod. The transfer of energy require three parts, nevermind I’m not a scientist.. Oh, and the cycle of life has three parts: Life, Death and Rebirth.  A story has a beginning, middle and end. Childhood, Adulthood, Elderhood.

The idea of Karma is that whatever you do comes back to you three fold. Or Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Love your neighbor as yourself. The key here is learning to love, accept and embrace who you are, which leads me back to meditation and Tim Ferriss’s comment. I think any time we do meditation or reflect on our lives we are making a conscious decision to engage the other parts of the self, which opens up the pathway for energy to move. Since we are all made of energy we are, in a sense, honoring what made us.

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So, the old saying of treat your body like a temple is true, we are temples of the self, of energy and isn’t that interesting? I’m excited to see our world shifting back to a whole food feed the body and mind mentality as well as the movement of lean living. Let’s treat the mother the way she should be treated.

****All puns are clearly incidental as I’m not witty enough to think them up on purpose.***

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Eclectic Epitomes of Erroneous Errors

Who am I?

That is a question I ponder and as of yet, I have no positive answer. A dreamer half stuck in the land of dreams. That boundary is such a fine line for me. My old blog, Dreamer Always, was unintentionally accurate. I have Narcolepsy and quite literally I am always dreaming. My mind cannot distinguish between waking and sleeping in the same manner as brains that are healthy and free of disease. I have a disease, an imperfection without a cure.

It is an invisible disfigurement that I see every day. I try to live a normal life but this disease gets worse over time and it’s getting worse now, I’m fading. Soon enough, I’m sure my body will slip out of existence and  I will disappear. I once dreamed of being a writer, an author, a world renowned novelist. Except, I can’t finish a story and I hate editing words and all I want to do is sleep even though I took my medication this morning and I slept for seven hours last night. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, because I will never see my dreams come true. I will never know peace and happiness because it isn’t in my cards. I was born in the wrong time, with the wrong hopes, dreams and prayers.

I give up. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep playing this game when I’m going to lose no matter what.

 

Life is a gamble and the odds are against us. The odds are not in our favor. ‘May the odds never be in your favor’ is something my mom jokingly said to me one day, but the truth is well, if I can mess something up I do if a situation has the ability to get worse it does. Well, for me it will. I am Calamity Jane. A walking catastrophe and I don’t know how to change it. Who was I in a previous life that I’m being so severely punished?

Tell me what errors did I make, what did I do wrong? Tell me what I need to do to fix it and I will fix it. Part of me just wants to destroy everything to see the predicted apocalypse happen and to know real pain. This pain I feel it’s maddening and I just want it to stop. I watched Torchwood last night and Exit Wounds (episode 13, Season 2) the antagonist was Gray, who was tortured for centuries on the edge of death. He said something like I just want to die. He was a tortured soul who blamed his brother for letting go. Gray wanted to punish his brother for the pain Jack (brother) caused. In the end Jack subdued Gray but the more I think about that show the more I realize that the writer was writing about life itself, why do we keep holding on?

The feeling of wanting to exit, to flee, to leave is one I fight every day. I just want to be done. I don’t want to be brought back to this point over and over again. Why am  I being forced to live this pain? As a writer I am utterly aware of the pain I am in. It’s why I don’t look at my emails or my texts, as both are reminders of how inadequate I am.

Full Speed Ah—

It was full steam ahead until I was hit with exhaustion and I feel like I’ve been bowled over/ fell down the stairs.

I just want to take a nap but I can’t because I have too much to do.

I think the most frustrating thing about having narcolepsy is the fact that you are going full speed ahead and then BAM! You just want to sleep. It’s never the same reason why; it’s never logical.

It is like a freak storm coming in from nowhere.

Suddenly Sleepy Saturday

We all could use a little sleep
We all could use a little sleep

Sleep Awareness week was this past week.

It’s fitting that this week, I had to confront some demons regarding sleep and how my disease affects me (even though I hate admitting I have weaknesses).

When I tell people I have narcolepsy I describe it by saying I am tired all the time (what do I mean by that?). They shrug it off like no big deal and so, I usually do as well.

However, lack of sleep makes daily life overwhelming. It causes social anxiety, social impairments, lack of decision making skills as well as rage.  Why rage? When you are tired your body resorts to keeping you awake. The drug of choice floats in your adrenal glands. How does your body send out those endorphins?

The best way is to trigger the fight or flight response. Which means that suddenly you want to destroy the world because someone cut you off. Now, that’s not really how you feel, but that is how your brain interprets the rush of hormones surging through your body. You can’t help but scream obscenities at the idiot driver in front of you and you are out for blood. In the passenger’s seat your grandmother is desperately looking for a way to exit the vehicle while it is going 80 mph.

Adrenaline shuts down your frontal cortex because when you have to fight or flight it makes sense that you don’t need your higher brain questioning your decisions. You have to commit to what you decide to do. You can thank our ancestors for that subtle shift in brain chemistry.

Where are my resources for this information? Where did I find this out?

Simply speaking, I know this to be true because I live it every day. I live through these outbursts that make no sense. Rage shoots through my veins and I don’t know why; but I feel alive and 100% committed to my decisions which aren’t always smart. Euphoria hits me and I feel like I am on top of the world (sounds a bit like bipolar, right?) but the body can’t sustain high levels of adrenaline and so like any junkie I crash and exhaustion hits me. All the while, my mind looking for the next offense so that I can feel alive once again.

My body is a chemical war zone. It is inherently unbalanced because of the lack of hypocretin and my overzealous white blood cells. The upside- I rarely get sick but I’d prefer a few colds over not having hypocretin cells.

The other thing about narcolepsy is cataplexy. It is where the mind trips over itself. Without hypocretin cells my mind doesn’t always interpret stimuli correctly. Sometimes it can’t interpret stimuli at all and so, it sends out a signal to freeze while it tries to figure out what is going on.

The mind stumbles into a void between waking and sleeping- our conscious minds become trapped as our bodies fail us. We have no control over whether or not we stay standing or are able to speak. For us, we haven’t skipped a beat, but to those around us we stop speaking and stare into space or worse yet, we fall to the ground for no apparent reason. If I were watching me from the outside I would probably assume that I had some serious mental illness issues or that I was being dramatic for attention. Isn’t it sad that people see those with sleep disorders as fakers or wack jobs? If only they knew the truth. If only they knew how much we wanted to be “normal”; to be able to function without having to worry about whether or not a situation will send us into a narcoleptic/cataplectic attack.

One could say that our minds are too cerebral; too fixated on what lies beyond the physical world. One might suggest that our minds are so busy exploring life beyond reality that it forgets to take care of its physical self.

In truth, those of us who live with narcolepsy are stronger and far more resilient than most. For we can do exhausted what you do fully charged. We are able to conquer worlds while handicapped. Truly, those of us with narcolepsy should be proud of all we can accomplish for we’ve been chosen to prove how capable we are.

If you agree please share. If you don’t agree, tell me why in the comments.

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