Was I some kind of circus attraction to them? Why were they staring at me? “Kailen, what’s the deal with everyone staring at me?” I wheezed as we passed the track entrance and continued on.
“No one is watching you; it’s all in your head. They’re just seeing if the track is clear. Focus on developing your breathing rhythm to get the most out of your run. No need to chit chat. You’ve got this just one more lap.” Kailen said as he began to bounce on his toes. I gritted my teeth and focused on making my stride fluid and swinging my arms in an arc to help my gait. I would finish this. We came around the final turn and I felt ecstatic. I was getting the hang of this each time I pushed off with one leg I was airborne for a moment and my legs stretched. I was a gazelle and I was powerful. We were 25 feet from the end and then 15. My right foot landed and rolled under me. I flew down and sideways and landed with a thump onto the ground. I looked up and saw Kailen stifle a snort as he stopped and stared at me. In the distance there were several muffled laughs and my cheeks grew hot as I rolled to a sitting position.
“Here, let me help you up.” Kailen said as he reached for my hand.
“Don’t touch me. Just leave me alone!” I replied as I felt every single stare and heard every single giggle. I was a freak to them. The beast broke open the box and my power sizzled under my skin. I felt alive. There was freedom when I accepted who I was.
I stood up from the ground in one smooth motion and felt my power purr as I glared at Kailen.
“Laila, you’re glowing. Do you know you’re glowing?” He said as his face turned white. Suddenly, I was no longer and ugly duckling stolen from her nest. I was the cat watching the reeds as the ducks quack-quacked along the water’s edge. I was the hunter and they were my prey.
Specifically I need to know: Does this grab your attention? Does it move smoothly forward? Am I showing more than telling? Can you imagine the scene? Is this something you want to read?
All thoughts and opinions appreciated!
At this moment in time I am worried. I cannot see how I will cross this metaphysical abyss that is in front of me. I have many things I’m trying to get going but it seems like I’m always hoping and never actually seeing results. Maybe I should accept that I may be waiting for several years or decades. Our society and culture doesn’t appreciate the need to wait. Everything needs to happen in microseconds. I forget that I need to learn patience. Everything will get better if I just wait on the Lord.
I am blessed that I live the life I live. I am so thankful for all that God has done. I know He won’t fail me but as I sit here watching The 700 Club (which, by the way I haven’t watched before because I thought it was too Christian-y for me) and I am beginning to realize that my problem is that I am prejudice against Christians which is funny since I am a Christian.
Maybe my real issue is the fact that I am unwilling to align myself with God. I have created this schism between Him and I because I am skeptical of what it means to be a Christian without reservation. I believe in miracles but I don’t. I believe in God but I don’t. I am afraid of being duped and of being a person with wool pulled over my eyes.
However, if I believe in God and if I trust in Him then my prayers will be answered. The key is TRUST and I have a hard time trusting anyone; even God.
Pray with me this week in asking God to make good on His promises and to show us that Trusting in Him is all we need.
Christian Broadcasting Network
My debts and my worries are nothing compared to God’s goodness.
I’ve hit a lot of unexpected bumps in the road this year; I guess you never expect to hit bumps in the road. I guess I just figured that the road would be less bumpy.
I’ve struggled with getting burnt out and I’ve struggled with my personal demons; one of which is depression. Now, I could have continued to let my life spiral downwards. In fact a lot of my problems were because I pushed myself too hard and didn’t rest when I needed to. I ran from my problems instead of facing them. I was trapped in a room full of self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy.
I still struggle with them and anyone who has to deal with those feelings understands that the war is never over when you are your own worst enemy. Several times this past year I blamed God and I wanted to walk away from Him. I had this sense of I’m not good enough for God. I felt that God hated me. Why would He let all of this happen to me? Why would He dangle a beautiful future in front of my face only to rip it from me. I wondered these things and I continued to suffer and I continued to fall deeper into self-doubt and self-pity. I would also guilt myself by saying that I should be thankful; I live in the USA and have so much more than most of the other people on this earth.
I would hear people say “What do you have to hate in your life? Why are you so miserable? Just be happy!” I would read articles that said It’s as simple as focusing on x, y, and z. If you just change your mindset then you will be happy. Happiness is a conscious decision not an emotion. When you are dealing with depression those sentences are like slaps in the face. I would think to myself- those people are idiots.
Then I took a sales job and I started to realize that you have to choose to have a specific mentality. Honestly, I think those who are depressed should take a job in sales because the positivity and the energy is infectious. I worked door to door sales for a brief time but during that time frame my thought processes began to change. I am changing. I am choosing success.
I am a hard worker but my attitude isn’t always where it needs to be. I am a creative soul and I use that to deflect the truth. I’m not done learning yet. The flip side is that I also need to respect myself. I need to believe in myself. Working a sales career teaches you to believe in yourself. It also reminded me that God believes in me. He is active in my life and I am so thankful for what He had done.
I’m excited to see where He is taking me. I am trusting in Him. I am going to plan every day and I’m going to commit to certain tasks daily.
I hope you join me in transforming your life. I hope you begin to believe in yourself because I believe in you. Even more than that God believes in you. He is there to support you no matter what. He will guide you. He will never let you down. God has taught me that; even though I’m stubborn and inclined to leap before I look. God loves me because I am a dreamer and He has given me my talents and gifts for a reason.
The clock is ticking and guess what, I know that things will fall into place even if it doesn’t seem possible.
With God all things are possible
Underdog story. True life miracles.
I don’t want to preemptively say things are moving forward but I want to let you know that when you have faith things come together. Sometimes you need to walk into the dark forest and trust that there will be lights to guide you home.
Even when nothing makes sense and it seems like you are going backwards or lying in the dust and there is no way to get up know that things are happening that you might not be aware of.
Trust in God and you’ll be surprised with how things come together.
It seems like my life is some kind of dark/ hilarious/ ridiculous comedy. I keep on stumbling around and dealing with mental slap stick comedy.
I don’t even know where to begin. Maybe I need to write some poetry on feliciajane.blogspot.com because that might be what I need to break this thick ice of writer’s block.
My life has hit another snag (no breaks for me. Flying down the hill of life/ free fall/ locked doors/passenger to a car wreck) The time is ticking and if the clock hits zero before I complete this mission then part of my life will be sloughed off like an old skin. I don’t want to lose that part of myself but I am emotionally exhausted and that is never good. Where sanity hits its limit and insanity because a welcome change to this obnoxious monotony of failed life choices. Are they failed. Did I fail? Oh, to know the answer before it is asked.
On the plus side:
My first writer’s group is this coming Saturday and I’m so excited for it. Less than a month until the writer’s conference and I need to get this book done. I’m losing my mind. It’s somewhere around here. I took it out for a few seconds to clean it and now it’s gone. Maybe under this stack of papers?
Oh, jeez, not again. I guess I have to go down to the pawn shop and pawn my liver so that I can get a new brain. Why do I keep on losing my brain.
DofDM is currently hiding in a faroff starscape and I can’t seem to turn the starship around to get to that little bugger. It keeps on playing hide and seek with me and I’m so tired of chasing it all over the intergalactic stratescope. It just needs to stay in one place so I can pin it down and study it and replicate it onto paper. Oh, the random dreams that keep on creeping up on me like a panther stalks its prey from the boughs of trees. Quiet and stealthy with no hopes of escape.
Oh look at me, can’t I talk it straight sentences no, no, not now. I am however quite fond quintessential qualms about the quality of this quantifiably quiet life.
Welcome one, welcome all to the crazy playscape of a thoroughly exhausted novelist that is quite certain that although her God is enough she is starting to find sleep preferable to soldiering on towards a soddy, sloppy solitary life that keeps on hobbling her and causes her to flop into the cesspit of craven desires.
I am currently working on Duchess of Dark Mercies and I am developing a “routine” to help my creative juices flow.
Here is what I do to keep on schedule for the conference in a month:
1. My laptop background has promo pictures as my background.
2. I do something in regards to DofDM each and every day
3. I keep my distractions to a minimum
4. I carry a journal with me wherever I go
5. I take everything I experience and wonder how the characters of DofDM would respond
6. *I have daily quiet time where I reflect on what God wants me to do*
There are other things I do as well but the most important things are those above. Above everything else though, is my relationship with God. Throughout this crazy time in my life I am thankful that I have HIM to rely on. Jeremiah 29:11 is the scripture that echoes through my thoughts daily. I have gone through so much this year but it has opened up my eyes to so many things and I’ve realized that trusting people is imperative to achieving your dreams and I am so blessed with having so many amazing people in my life.
Writing is a solitary task but the act of being a writer/ novelist is a social one. A community of friends, family and supporters is needed if you hope to have a sustainable writing career.
2014 had a shaky start and it still a bit rocky but I’m just picking up momentum for a great roller coast ride.
Keep a look out for more Duchess of The Dark updates.
So this is what I’ve been working on: here is a sneak peek to what the Duchess of The Dark world will be like. I am transfering my handwritten notes to my computer for ease of access. Things are starting to cook! I can’t wait to see what else is in the pipeline. I have about ten days to get the first half of the book in ship shape order. Then I have until March 22nd to get the book in a complete manuscript because that is when the conference is that I am going to!
This is an exciting next “chapter” in my writing career. In addition to that this is the start to my path to becoming a novelist. I am head strong and a creative thinker. Which means that I am dead set on creating a fantastic story. I hope you enjoy taking part in this crazy journey!