Excessive Failure

To write is to expose one’s flesh to the masses.

It is with such fear that we jot our lives down.

 

The hope we’ve known is within our thoughts

Merely, the culmination of chemicals

switching receptors on and off.

 

What wondrous confusion these bodies are.

Surely, they are our biggest failure.

Why did we take bodies?

 

April Showers

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This is a clip from Catastrophe, an Amazon original; I binged watched the first season. It was a good show. I can’t wait to watch the next season which will be out tomorrow (April 8th). In the above Sharon hits that moment of Fuck, I can’t take it anymore. In true I don’t give a F*** fashion she curls up in a ball at the grocery story. A total win in my book.

The actress is so real and it is her realness that I relate to. There is one thing I envy Sharon,  and  it is that she has a goofy “American” to lean on and I don’t have that luxury. It’s insane how much harder life is when you’re on your own and you don’t have anyone in your corner. I mean when you want to curl up in a ball and just never go out and see the world again. However, you can’t because you have to fight the war without any help or support.

I think one of the most obvious moments that I was alone was when I got violently sick a few weeks ago and had to call my mom (who lives 1/2 hr away) to get me gatorade. I sat there hurting and feeling lonely, oh so lonely. I came out of it ok, but it sucked. I know people say enjoy being single blah-blah-blah. I just don’t want to anymore. I’m at a point in my life where I’ve completed all of my solo goals. Well, as best as I could. Now, I’m sitting here waiting on a ghost to appear for the next part of my journey to begin.

Why am I ready?

I’ve paid off most of my debt and I’m at a point where I thought I’d finally be able to  have my own home etc.However, that isn’t the case, because of my credit and the fact that most of my income (it’s commissioned based)  doesn’t count towards applying for a mortgage. I was so excited when I thought I was close to purchasing a home but I’m floundering right now. I’m backsliding; I can feel it. I’m not going to back slide as much I as I did before, but it’s happening and I can’t stop it.  I feel like I’m going insane.

Now, I don’t want people to think that I can’t take care of myself, I can.

The best way I guess I can explain it is by referring to Anne Bishop’s trilogy. In the series, Janelle is an extremely powerful witch even as a young child she is and because of that her blood relations resent her for it. Janelle grows up wandering the realms because she can (while no one else can) and develops relationships with many creatures that most believe are fairy tales.

Flash forward to the final book in the trilogy. Janelle has to release a “Witch Storm” to cleanse the world of evil. She could have done it alone, but she didn’t because she had her husband, brother (adopted) and father (adopted) as well as many other friends who helped her succeed. Life isn’t about being able to do everything yourself. It’s about choosing to live with friends and family.

A community.

What I seek, crave, dream and long for is that connection. That “Hey, I’m glad your still alive” connection which Ilona Andrews writes about in her stories. Again, the main character is a powerful witch (magic wielder) but, it is the fact that she forms connections that matter which make her invincible. I’m drawn to books where the main character is a strong female who can take care of herself and yet she also recognizes that it is ok to develop relationships with others.

The creation stories talk about how man was lonely, so the god(s) created a companion for man. I think that the desire to connect with others is genetically hardwired in our DNA. I’ve fought that craving for a very long time. Honestly, I never really thought I would need those connections, but I’m falling and it’s not good. I need someone to catch me (again a Black Jewels reference).

The most frustrating thing about this day and age is the fact that people are claiming the need for others is weakness. That the only opinion that matters is your opinion about yourself. That is such an amoral statement. We wonder why people kill each other, why there are so many mental illnesses and why we live in a state of unrest. It’s because we’re poisoning the waters with this garbage that we need to be self sufficient/ self reliant.

I’m not saying be helpless. I’m saying be strong, be tough and be willing to seek connection. It’s so easy to hide; I’m the queen of that. What’s harder is seeking connections that could very well rip your heart to shreds.

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Writing on the way

On the way to where I am I lost myself to say.

The least of which was known is now the most I know.

For those who travel light.

Well, the way will never be light enough.

To stop and enjoy what was once a famine.

There is where you will feast.

The past is the future when you are at your

last breath.

Truly, this is what time has started and stopped.

Where is she now

As I’m sure you’ve wondered, maybe for a millisecond, about where I disappeared to. I wanted to let you know that I have been working a lot and it seems like writing is a thought I just don’t have time for.
Writers are a picky and flighty lot. It is the nature of who we are. So, for now I still exist. I’m still fighting the good fight just not as much with a pen.

Check back for more updates.

The Attempt

With a title like that I’m setting you all up for high expectations.

Unfortunately, I’m probably going to let you down.

My mind is sputtering in circles. My thoughts are there- itching to get out and believe me I’m scratching and scratching but they won’t erupt. These thoughts are pressing against my sanity and there isn’t any relief.

I feel like a failure. I made promises I didn’t keep. I betrayed the trust of others and I’m only just beginning to unravel the invisible scars that haunt my thoughts. I’d like to say that I am invincible- that I will succeed and conquer this world but the more I try to believe  that, the more I am aware of my shortcomings.

It is as though I lived in a world where mirrors didn’t exist and now, all of a sudden I am surrounded by those mirrors.

In the past I thought myself a writer; believed that I would be the next J.K. Rowling. Yes, I envisioned great evenings that were centered around me. I dreamed of times when I was the center of the world. I told myself stories of how I got there but those stories never made it out of the battlefield that is my mind.

It is like the peat bog in the Neverending Story. I am struggling to get out but the more I try; the harder it is to move. So, I’m giving up and letting the bog take me. Afterall, I’m a nobody.

It’s a horrible feeling, realizing that you are an ant and that you don’t matter.  I don’t have the drive to get past these feelings. I could make valid excuses and the like but I’ve given up trying to explain the way I am.

Each day I wake up from my dreams frustrated and sad. I feel so alone for so much of each day. Like I am a ghost and people see right through me. I can begin my sentences, my ideas but before the thought reaches maturity it leaves me to find better pasture.

I want attention; but I also fear and reject it.  I want to matter; to make a difference. I want my voice heard. Is it normal to feel this lost? I’m sure it is. I just like to think I am unique- alone in my misery. Because then this wall I live behind would be justified.

I used to believe that I would stand out; be important. I used to believe I was talented enough to bring in enough money to pay what I owe. Now, I am surrounded by my debt and bad decisions. I feel as though I were betrayed by a god who saw me as a science experiment. I used to walk down that holy path; used to believe I had a purpose- a higher calling. I used to think I would be the one to blaze a path for those who will come after me.

Nope, I am just lost. I don’t know when that happened or how. I haven’t check my email in ages. I’m afraid to. I’ve been avoiding my mistakes- running from them like a child because I can’t admit that I failed. It grates against my nerves like nails on a chalk board. Slowly fraying each sense of reality until I’m completely lost.

On the internet anyone can be a star, so what am I lacking? What am I missing? Perhaps I have too varied ideas- too many different interests. Maybe my desire to write and to video and to create has been my biggest downfall. I’m great at creating new ideas and paths to great things but like every failed inventor none of my creations sprout past being a wilted seedling.

It’s a bit like being on one of those tea cup rides. You’re spinning and spinning catching glimpses of things. Sometimes, they are amazing and you want to stop; to pause and take in what you saw but you can’t because you’re spinning too fast. The next turn of the cup the image is gone and no matter how much you search for it you’ll never find it.

I’m attempting to explain why I’ve disappeared from the online realm- why I walked away from some blossoming opportunities. The answer is- I don’t know why. I guess I was scared and maybe I’m still scared.

It’s been three years since my stepdad passed away. My heart buried the pain long ago but I can’t help but wonder at his betrayal. At him leaving because running from the pain was more important to him than taking care of his family.

Maybe, I’m hurting because I believe in fighting for what you love; but realized that love doesn’t exist. How can it, when life feels so dull; so empty. When everything is tasteless and all I see ahead of me are endless years of worry and suffering. Is this what I am to be? An old crone with hatred in her heart?

Hartford area couple giving away 6-unit apartment building in essay contest

How about this… look at this opportunity

FOX 61

[ooyala code=”9vYmd2dDrlsV2SKpgyJD-N44FhtQLesq” player_id=”3c1df42a0ea4920b9489cfaaf8aec88″]HARTFORD – A Hartford area couple is giving away a six-unit apartment building to the writer of the best essay on why they would love to live in the building.

Pamela Melusky visited Morning Extra to talk about the essay contest. The entry fee for the contest is$200. The winner will take ownership of “Laurelton Place,” an award-winning six-family gem in which Melusky and her husband invested over $200,000, in order to restore it to its former glory.  It’s one of Hartford’s “perfect sixes” which won the “2007 Historic Preservation Award” and is registered with the National Registry for Historic Places.

Melusky and her husband Bob are retiring and have sold all their properties except this one and decided to give it away in an essay contest similar to the one for a Maine inn. Since the minimum number of entries is 2,500, the couple will still…

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