Family: Like that’s a real thing

The decision to sell my horses is a huge, heart breaking decision. My family knows how much my horses mean to me, at least I would hope they do. However, all they see is how expensive they are and how silly it is that I would think I’d be able to go anywhere with horseback riding and competing. They made that clear whenever I thought I might succeed and I shared my hopes with them.

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My family never supported my desire to ride, sure they provided what money they could so I could take lessons and own a horse. However, my dream of being the best rider possible was ludicrous to them. I’ve worked at horses barns since I was 12 to pay for my horses’ board. I had to put my first horse down when I was 13. My mom says it was one of the worst days of her life but Maggie meant nothing to her. Honestly, I don’t understand why my mother would say it was one of the worst days of her life unless she was talking about how costly it was to put Maggie down. I couldn’t talk about Maggie for close to ten years. I just don’t even know anymore.

My dreams of competing were over before I had a chance to dream of being the best. We were poor and my mother was too busy to be there when I needed her. All she saw was that I wanted to be around animals that were expensive and smelly. She made attempts to help out but they were half hearted attempts and when she was there I knew she wanted to be somewhere else. Whenever I wanted to show off my riding skills, my family just looked at me like ok, cool so why are you riding? To them I was a black sheep; I was being ridiculous in my desire to compete because if I was sensible I would give up riding and live a quiet life. Which leads me to why I’m writing this.

Dreams Come True
This is me on my Trakehner mare, Julie, and my dream foal, Fae.

My aunt texted me to see if we could meet up I told her no, I’m selling my horses. I also said no because I’m not doing well health wise, which is true. My narcolepsy is bad. I push myself during the week and then spend the weekends sleeping and trying to recharge. Which is why I haven’t seen my horses in several weeks. I’m so exhausted and overwhelmed that I just can’t even see them. I’ve failed myself and I’ve failed them. My aunt’s response to my text saying I can’t hang out and I’m selling my horses was ‘I’m sorry you had to make that decision but you have to think of you first. When you are feeling better let’s hang out.’ All I have to say to that was thanks for nothing. Thanks for proving to me why I don’t want to hang out with you.

Ok, am I just an idiot? Do I have a bizarre conception of family? Because that response was not at all what I would have expected. Where is the what can I do to help? Let’s sit down and figure this out. What other options do you have? Nothing, but oh good, thank you for becoming sensible. This is just another example of the truth that my family doesn’t want me to succeed. They think that I’m an idiot, that I’m wasting my life away. How can you succeed when you have no one in your court? How can you win a battle when you are alone on the field? Whatever happened to family sticking by your side through thick and thin?

I know of parents putting a second mortgage on their house to support their daughter’s dream of riding and competing. I know of parents who bought books and watched videos to understand what riding was about and to learn more about the sport so that they could help their child succeed. Those parents aren’t mine. Sure, my family gave me money when they could but the support and the cheer squad, well, my dreams were too much of an inconvenience for them.

Here’s the crazy thing- they try to get me to like what they are doing but why would I show any interest or support when I’ve been taught that no one cares? For as long as I can remember my family has wanted me to enjoy what they are doing but I’m the flipping kid. I’m the one who is supposed to be cheered on. Why am I going to be interested in what they like if they aren’t interested in what I’ve dreamed of doing since I was little?

 

Part 2:

My second big dream was to be a writer. I wanted to write lots of stories and I talked about how I wanted to write to my family. This was during high school. They said they’d love to read what I wrote but when I sent it to them they were offended and I pretty much decided then and there that I won’t ever share my stories again. Why should I share what I write when no one cares? Not even my family. People wonder why the world is effed up? It’s because we have no sense of family. Everyone is out to take care of themselves.

The only one who responded to what I wrote in a constructive way was my uncle’s ex-wife. My Aunt Karen, who made an effort to ride with me and to hang out with me and to give me the thumbs up. She supported me and made an effort to get to know me. Except, at that point in my life I was so used to being brushed aside that I didn’t recognize what she was doing. I just brushed her interest aside as she was only doing that because she had to.

I’ve created a lot of stories and blogs but I’ve hidden them from my family; when my mother tries to friend me on facebook or read my blogs I don’t like it and I stop sharing what I write. My family has let me down so often and in so many ways that I just can’t deal with their paltry attempts to get to know me. They are twenty seven years too late.

I wanted to share riding with my family but they didn’t want to be a part of it. So, I went on to writing and being more introverted but even then, my family didn’t approve. I wrote with passion and I wrote about how I viewed the world in a fictional sense and I was chided for what I wrote.  They love me I know, they were only doing what they thought they should. Except, they just taught me I wasn’t special. I was nothing because I wasn’t doing what I should be doing.

Now, I have my eight to six job and I’m starting to “do things right”. They ask me how I’m doing, they ask me if anything is new. I say nope, the same old, same old. Right now, they all think I should be dating and married and planning for kids. That is what is right and proper. I refuse to be a part of the cycle of disinterest. I will not date nor will I have kids because I’m too messed up and I don’t want to spread the poison. My family taught me to stop dreaming, hoping and believing in something more. Not on purpose, no they didn’t do it on purpose, which I think is what hurts the most.

 

Part 3:

From 2013 to now I’ve been struggling. I lost my step father to cancer two weeks after I graduated college (2012) which I didn’t even deal with. I was working full time and true to how I grew up I just moved on without caring. My family all wanted me to show how sad I was, to let go of my feelings but no, they don’t get to share in those feelings. They don’t deserve to know me.  Sorry, back to the point.

I bred Julie for a foal, with the money I received from my step dad’s passing. It was a difficult pregnancy and by the spring of 2013 I was quite certain I was going to lose both Julie and Fae. So, I bought a horse from auction with the intention of training and reselling her. She ended up having cancer and I got overwhelmed and quit my job and spiraled down into debt. Yea, I knew I had narcolepsy at the time but no one gets what narcolepsy is. No one understands what is like to live in constant sleep deprivation. No one gets how much that sleep deprivation messes you up. So, overwhelmed, sleep deprived and stressed about losing all three horses I fell into debt.

I wrote about it on dreameralways.blogspot.com I’m not sure if I left the posts up there. This post is not about that part of my life but I want to set the stage for what I’m about to write. Flash forward to spring 2014. I send Lexy (cancer rescue horse) to a rescue and I’m working several jobs to keep Julie and Fae. A friend of mine lets me live at her place but again I didn’t understand why she was being nice or showing that she cared and I feel bad about that.

Summer 2014 I moved back home because I got a full time job and my mom let me live with her but she made it clear that she really didn’t want me there. In her mind I should have sold the horses and used the money I was spending on them to pay for an apartment. Probably deep down she hoped I would find a guy so that I would be his problem instead of hers.

October 2014: I was driving to work when some idiot pulled out around a trash truck and into my lane. I remember seeing his headlights and being confused. I swerved and missed hitting him head on; part of me wonders what would have happened if I’d stayed in my lane. After the whole incident I remember coming to and thinking I was in an accident. Everyone drove on by, no one stopped or asked if I was OK. The driver of the truck and trailer only stopped because his trailer was off kilter.

His trailer totaled my car. I was out of it and kept saying it was my fault. I remember walking around and the police officer telling me to get out of the road. When I tried calling my mom to ask her for help she didn’t answer. When I called my brother he didn’t answer. The only person who answered was the barn owner where I kept the horses. She picked me up and drove me to work. I worked the whole flipping day. Even though I was out of it and pretty much walking around in circles. The barn owner offered to take me to the hospital but she was the only one who offered to help. At the end of the work day my mom made a huge deal out of having to come and pick me up. She never asked if I was ok or what happened.

She didn’t care. The fact that I was in a car accident was an inconvenience to her. Just another mess up. She didn’t offer to help me find a new car or anything. I was on my own, sure I acted like I was OK but that is what I was taught to do since I was a child. She wonders why I don’t want to see her or why I don’t ask for help? It’s because whenever I do she makes it clear I shouldn’t need help. That I shouldn’t need to ask for anything. I’ve glossed over a lot of the finer details because I wanted to make sure to get to the point. Family doesn’t exist. Family only judges, belittles and teaches you to fight for yourself. I’ve had people help me and offer me assistance but their interest in my life was so foreign that I just brushed it aside because I didn’t know how to handle it.

I don’t blame my family as their history is why they are the way they are. I just wish I wasn’t the one who had to deal with all of this. To look around and make the decisions I do. Knowledge is power and Knowledge is destruction.

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When to cut losses

There are times when you have to look around you and say, is this what I want? Today, I did that. I made a choice and I have to live with it. My health isn’t what it needs to be. I cannot fulfill the goal I set so long ago. I will never compete at the highest level of dressage. So, I have to let go. I’ve worked so hard for my dreams, I sacrificed so much and now, making this choice, I’m so numb. This numbness has been building for years. I don’t know why I thought there would be any other outcome besides this one.

There are the masters, the heros and then there are the peons. The ones who are meaningless cogs in the machine; replaceable and easy to forget. For years I tried to convince myself that I was more than just a peon. I fought to live in a world I had no business being in. So, I give up. I am done with fighting. I’m done with believing I am anything more than a peon.

I choose to fail. I choose to walk away from everything because no matter how hard I fight, no matter what I sacrifice, the truth is that I’ll fail. It’s fate, it’s destiny, it’s the sad, ugly truth. I’ve written on other blogs about having to put my horses up for sale but back then, I was different. I cared. I loved them and I still had hope. After over 16 years of fighting to be a part of the horse world the truth is that they never wanted me. I never fit in there and I will never fit in. I will never be the person I wanted to be because I just don’t have what it takes.

At one point, I did. Before the narcolepsy, before the concussions and before the car accident. I had what it takes but not any more. Life has shown me the truth, the sad, ugly truth. I am nothing and I will always be nothing. My horses deserve better, they deserve someone who wants them. Who loves them and who pays attention to them. That person isn’t me. My health is sliding downhill, and I have to cut back on the extras. I work too much to have pastimes, my energy is consumed by work. I work too much and I don’t get paid what I’m due because the filthy government takes my pay. So, I have to give up my horses so that I can pay my taxes.

I don’t believe in the American dream. I don’t believe in anything. Look around, there is death and destruction and sorrow at every turn. Joy is a myth and I don’t believe in it. I hate feeling like this and I hate fighting a losing battle. I used to believe in happily ever after. I used to believe that good things happen to good people but that just isn’t the case. The truth is, that fate is against all of us and those who are peons need to forget their dreams and just work because that is all they are little worker bees.

The dreams I had of being a writer and a competitive equestrian are as far away as pluto is from the sun. I don’t know what happened to me; I don’t know why I’m cursed. I wish someone would tell me why I’m being punished when all I ever did was I try to obey the rules. The only thing I did that I shouldn’t have done was dream. I dreamed that I could be more; that I could beat the odds and make it to the top. I was wrong though, I just don’t have the personality or the means to continue on. Farewell, my horses, farewell my dreams.

May you find a better dreamer.

Religion: Restless Ruminations

Several of Tim Ferriss’s blogs mention meditation and he writes in them that he tries to spend 15 minutes a day meditating. He stressed the point that he is coming from a secular viewpoint and is in no way promoting religion or a spiritual mindset. I think I might have to disagree with him.

Why?

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Here is the definition of religion: “a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, especially when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs.” via dictionary.com

Meditation is the extended process by which a person clears one’s mind to find a better sense of well being. With that in mind, meditation often talks about expanding one’s awareness to reach out to the greater universe. Above, it talks about the idea of observing rituals and striving to ascertain the purpose of the universe.

We know that there is a fixed point from which everything came. Whether it be a big bang or a supernatural being speaking something into existence; we know we came from somewhere or at least that is the theory. One could argue that we are nowhere and that we simply exist within our minds. Who knows, maybe we are all one cell amoebas thinking of grand adventures while floating in a primordial goo.

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Well, that is really more of a philosophical debate and perhaps I should finish the Thomas Paine book  I was supposed to read for philosophy 101. I have the book around here somewhere, at least I think (therefore I am). Maybe I’m confused because I slept through half of that class. I wish I didn’t, but such is life.

I’m getting to my point, I swear on the Bible? 

I grew up as a Christian. I went to church every Sunday and I followed the path I was supposed to follow. God was the dad I never had. He was bigger than life and Jesus was the savior, the one who heals all. He saved me from my sinful life (which that definition is debateable; sure I’m not perfect but sin is such an ugly word). I prayed every night and I talked to others about Jesus, you could say I was a Jesus freak. An Evangelical Covenant girl for life!

Paradise wasn’t so perfect as there was something that always rubbed me the wrong way and it was the glaring lack of a female deity. Over time I began to think of the Holy Spirit as the feminine aspect of the godhead. More and more I prayed to her, asked her for guidance and support. Although I tried to hide it, by the end of high school my belief in god had faded like an early morning fog. By senior year all I had was a vague memory of what god was. It went downhill from there.

By the time I graduated college I wasn’t a Christian anymore. At graduation I looked around at those I  thought I knew and realized I didn’t want to be like them. I never could be like them, because I was different. Intrinsically and completely different. I don’t know why it took me so long to figure it out. Sometimes, I’m a slow learner.

I’m a quarter Irish and I believe the celtic pantheon is written in my genetic code. Why? Because I think there is some credence to morphic fields and morphic inheritance.  I’ve found that the pagan ways suit my thought patterns. The surprising thing is that I feel more connected to the world when I think of the creation deity as being female. For me the polytheistic idea of gods/goddesses really isn’t multiple people but more of the same god/goddess wearing a different hat. Like I’m a writer, a horseback rider, a salesperson, a cat owner, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an acquaintance, a customer, a client, a dreamer, a sleeper, a doubter, a believer. Do you get the picture?

More than that, though, I’ve noticed a recurring theme within multiple belief systems: the triad.

Think: Freud’s idea of Id, Ego and Superego. The holy trinity Father, Son and Holy Spirit. The Threefold goddess Maiden, Mother and Crone. Why does the idea of three premiate throughout different belief systems? It is known that the most stable arrangement for vehicles is actually the tricycle. I mean think about it. When one side is weak it has the other two to lean on. There isn’t a way to unsettle the tripod. The transfer of energy require three parts, nevermind I’m not a scientist.. Oh, and the cycle of life has three parts: Life, Death and Rebirth.  A story has a beginning, middle and end. Childhood, Adulthood, Elderhood.

The idea of Karma is that whatever you do comes back to you three fold. Or Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Love your neighbor as yourself. The key here is learning to love, accept and embrace who you are, which leads me back to meditation and Tim Ferriss’s comment. I think any time we do meditation or reflect on our lives we are making a conscious decision to engage the other parts of the self, which opens up the pathway for energy to move. Since we are all made of energy we are, in a sense, honoring what made us.

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So, the old saying of treat your body like a temple is true, we are temples of the self, of energy and isn’t that interesting? I’m excited to see our world shifting back to a whole food feed the body and mind mentality as well as the movement of lean living. Let’s treat the mother the way she should be treated.

****All puns are clearly incidental as I’m not witty enough to think them up on purpose.***

Doctor Who & Torchwood

Doctor Who

VS.

Torchwood

 

 

On the off chance that I would find something interesting to watch I looked for the show that seemed to draw a huge crowd. Doctor Who pleasantly surprised with its interesting characters as well as the take on life. While the quality of filming was questionable for the first few episodes, the acting and the storylines were enough to keep me coming back for more.

When I binged watched the seasons I was surprised that there weren’t more episodes. It seemed that the Amy and Rory theme wasn’t as long as I originally thought. Which was a bit sad as I really like the dynamic between Amy and Rory. I finally figured out why Rory was called  the last centurion, it took me a long time to find that episode but it was worth the search.

I can’t wait for more seasons to be available.

While I’m waiting for those seasons I watched Torchwood. The show is a little zany but worth the watching. The last season had a feel like they were trying to move the show over to the states but it didn’t work. Which is sad as I’d have liked to see more episodes in the states. I just don’t think american minds can follow the complex nature of the Doctor Who style show.

 

Which did you like more? Torchwood or Doctor Who?

Movie Review x2

Yesterday, I binged watched several seasons of Torchwood (I’ll write a post on it later) as well as two (maybe four movies). I said maybe four because I started to watch two other movies but they didn’t grab my attention and so I quit watching them.

My viewing poison of choice is Amazon Prime.

Why? Because it has a lot of “free” content included in the yearly fee for the prime membership. I don’t want to pay a bunch of different fees for a bunch of different services and I’m quite happy with Amazon’s selection. If I want to rent a movie I can, it’s a little more expensive than Red Box but it beats having to drive somewhere to rent a movie.

My two favorite genres of movies are romantic comedies and science fiction/action. I know weird mix, but it works. Lately, I’ve been craving a good romantic comedy/ chick flick. I have to admit I tend to avoid the indie films because I am a brand snob but I watched two good movies last night.

Please Kill Mr. Know It All

 

2012/2013

 

Overall rating: B-

This film is a fresh take within the romantic comedy genre. The idea of an assassin being spotted and his likeness used for a fictional smart alec is really unique. It is way better than the usual theme of meet a guy, get mad at guy and fall in love with guy that is so very common in this genre. Instead, two very dissimilar people meet on a chance and I’m a fan of that; queue the Disney Princess music.

The premise of the movie is simple. A shy girl writes for a column and she suddenly finds her alter ego well known. Her friend fits into the troupe of scheming bestie but unlike most movies, the friend doesn’t have mean ulterior motives. Rather than reveal the truth about Mr. Know It All, Sally the main character, finds a guy and she draws a picture of him to use for the fictional Mr. Know It All. Unfortunately, her selection is a hitman.  Which as his friend, Bud, tells him being noticed is against hitman cardinal rules. There is some subterfuge as Sally and Patti (her best friend) lure Albert (the hitman) in so that they can get a video of him for their demanding publishers.

The overall plot follows the happy ending arc but while the idea was fresh the plausibility of some of what happened is questionable. The hitman is a murderer by trade and freaks out when his face is all over the TV but when the video of him pops up he doesn’t have much of a reaction. It was like the writers needed to reach the end and tossed out half of what needed to be included. Hint: This is why books are better than movies as you have the time you need to create a complete story arc.

The other thing that drove me a bit bonkers was the fact that Sally’s glasses disappeared halfway through the movie, it would have been nice to see it acknowledged by a “oh, you look different, new hair cut?” “No, I’m wearing contacts” or something like that. Otherwise why have her wear glasses in the first place?

The casting of the characters and their costumes fit with the direction of the movie. There were some good parts to the movie, especially the scene where Albert is debating whether or not to kill her. The music used to create the scene was well chosen.

However, I don’t think he actually ever told Sally his name. Also, how exactly did Patti and Bud meet? What about the guy who Albert owed a debt to? Those are the type of mistakes that can make or break a movie.

The end is cliche as the four of them are eating dinner, Sally and Albert on one side of the table, Patti and Bud on the other. The two couples discuss what happened during the “year” gap. It is announced that Sally is pregnant and queue happily ever after. However,   that ending left a lot to be desired. Where did Albert go, how long were they back together? How is Sally comfortable with a guy who was trying to kill her?

I gave this movie a B- because of the above mentioned. The beginning was also a bit odd, I almost stopped watching it because I was confused as to why there was a talk show in the first scene. The editor should have introduced the main characters first and then cut to the talk show scene. The movie’s saving grace was the fresh take on romantic comedy and the few moments of hilarious tension.  If they’d been able to carry that feel throughout the movie I would buy the film. For now, I recommend renting it or finding a way to watch it for free.

Barefoot

2014/2015

Overall Rating: B

Here is another unique drama/ romantic comedy film. This one still has the classic poor girl/ rich boy trope but it gets spun in a different direction. Actually, this could be a cleverly adapted Cinderella story. The story is about Jay and Daisy, Jay is a down on his luck bad boy with no morals and Daisy is a shell shocked girl whose schizophrenic mother just died. Because of this Daisy is taken to a mental hospital. The same hospital where Jay is a janitor.

Jay gets in trouble with the doctor of the facility when he gives alcohol to some of the patients. Because of this, Jay is forbidden to speak to or hang out with the patients. I’m not sure why the writers thought a janitor would report to a doctor. I highly doubt a doctor would deal with the janitors nor would they form any type of working relationship with the cleaning staff. An orderly? Maybe, but not a janitor.

Back to how Daisy and Jay meet: Daisy first sees Jay mopping the floors and they have that eye locking moment. Then they go about their day.

The idea that Jay is estranged from his parents is an overused plot conflict as is the whole ‘I have to go to my brother’s wedding but don’t have a date’. The story line doesn’t have a lot of life outside of the interesting take of bad boy meets good girl. There are good parts and one thing I really like is that Jay does have a good heart, even if his morals aren’t in the right place.

Jay unexpectedly finds a date for his brother’s wedding when he saves Daisy from a would be rapist.Scared and alone she follows him out of the hospital and begs to go with him. Rather than report the incident to the doctor, Jay lets Daisy come with him. Which doesn’t really make sense in my mind. If Jay is so worried about keeping his job why wouldn’t he call the doctor and let him know what happened? Why didn’t he call a nurse or call for help after he punched the dude in the face?

I have to say that Evan Rachel Wood plays the innocent girl well and I liked how she walked the line between child and adult. However at times, her character was a bit too puppy dog like; her fixation on Jay makes me wonder what would happen if Jay wanted space. As she seems to be glued to his side.Will Jay tolerate her devotion to him for the rest of his life?

Jay’s soft heart and his desire to keep Daisy safe is a nice take on the romance/ true love theme. The other unique thing about this is that while the characters address sex, Jay doesn’t take advantage of Daisy’s fondness for him nor does he take advantage of her innocence. What I like is that her innocence actually makes him more protective of her. One hopes that most people would strive to protect, rather than destroy innocence. In the movie the most Daisy and Jay share is a kiss.

This movie received a B because the characters were well played however the plausibility of some of the characters’ actions is questionable. In Indie films this seems to be a reoccurring theme, can someone figure out why?

Barefoot is a nice reminder that there are movies out there that don’t fixate on the sexual tension between to characters. I do think there are some issues with the way the characters develop. Primarily, the quick switch in Jay’s personality and how he seems to enjoy having a girl follow him around without her own opinions.The other thing that was a little weird was how they closed the story arc by having Jay’s dad bale him out.

Another thing to point out is how the doctors were unwilling to let Daisy out but then she is ‘freed’. The writers did a good jobs with filling in bits of Daisy’s past which explains why she is so compliant. I don’t like how the story seems to make mental health problems seem inconsequential as Jay asks the doctor to let Daisy leave and the doctor releases her.

The idea that love conquers all, fixes all, well, that is a bit of a reach. Love doesn’t fix mental health problems and schizophrenia is hereditary. What happens when Daisy starts to become schizophrenic? Will Jay still stand by her or will he throw her away? The idea of needing to feel connected and valued is something every person desires which this movie addresses nicely. Although, the message of the movie hints that even losers and mental health patients need someone is a nice message. The truth is that you can’t rely on someone else to take care of you or make decisions for you.

 

Eclectic Epitomes of Erroneous Errors

Who am I?

That is a question I ponder and as of yet, I have no positive answer. A dreamer half stuck in the land of dreams. That boundary is such a fine line for me. My old blog, Dreamer Always, was unintentionally accurate. I have Narcolepsy and quite literally I am always dreaming. My mind cannot distinguish between waking and sleeping in the same manner as brains that are healthy and free of disease. I have a disease, an imperfection without a cure.

It is an invisible disfigurement that I see every day. I try to live a normal life but this disease gets worse over time and it’s getting worse now, I’m fading. Soon enough, I’m sure my body will slip out of existence and  I will disappear. I once dreamed of being a writer, an author, a world renowned novelist. Except, I can’t finish a story and I hate editing words and all I want to do is sleep even though I took my medication this morning and I slept for seven hours last night. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, because I will never see my dreams come true. I will never know peace and happiness because it isn’t in my cards. I was born in the wrong time, with the wrong hopes, dreams and prayers.

I give up. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep playing this game when I’m going to lose no matter what.

 

Life is a gamble and the odds are against us. The odds are not in our favor. ‘May the odds never be in your favor’ is something my mom jokingly said to me one day, but the truth is well, if I can mess something up I do if a situation has the ability to get worse it does. Well, for me it will. I am Calamity Jane. A walking catastrophe and I don’t know how to change it. Who was I in a previous life that I’m being so severely punished?

Tell me what errors did I make, what did I do wrong? Tell me what I need to do to fix it and I will fix it. Part of me just wants to destroy everything to see the predicted apocalypse happen and to know real pain. This pain I feel it’s maddening and I just want it to stop. I watched Torchwood last night and Exit Wounds (episode 13, Season 2) the antagonist was Gray, who was tortured for centuries on the edge of death. He said something like I just want to die. He was a tortured soul who blamed his brother for letting go. Gray wanted to punish his brother for the pain Jack (brother) caused. In the end Jack subdued Gray but the more I think about that show the more I realize that the writer was writing about life itself, why do we keep holding on?

The feeling of wanting to exit, to flee, to leave is one I fight every day. I just want to be done. I don’t want to be brought back to this point over and over again. Why am  I being forced to live this pain? As a writer I am utterly aware of the pain I am in. It’s why I don’t look at my emails or my texts, as both are reminders of how inadequate I am.

Whispers of Wordless Worry

Salutations, I wish I had better news. I wish I could write  “I’ve succeeded, I’ve put out all the fires and I can enjoy life.” However, on this 4th of July weekend all I can think about is how incompetent I am and how inadequate my abilities are.

I want to be happy, to not feel like I’m just a shell; a casing spent and left on the floor forgotten. Reading that last sentence, I think that is the unfortunate truth: I am the forgotten play thing of some selfish god whose found more interesting, talented and engaging interests. Now, here I am lying alone in the dust coated shadows.

For me, the struggle to smile is something I wish wasn’t a struggle. At work I’ve become a good liar because I have to be a good truth stretcher. Every cheery greeting I provide, every silly comment and word of chit chat are lies. Deep down the beast within is thrashing, raging and demanding to be let out. This forced split between my true feelings and my lies is wearing on me but it’s something that must be done to maintain the status quo. On the weekends I over compensate and hide and let the true feelings marinate until they are a lovely froth. Which is about the same time that I stash them so that I can begin my work week.

Right now, I haven’t seen my horses in two weeks. I don’t care. I never thought I’d say that. I keep hoping I make the money to pay their bills but nope, at work, people think I’m useless and that I don’t know how to follow up (which is key in sales fyi). In addition to that, they believe I step over boundaries and lines; which I’m sure I do. It’s why I don’t fit in. I hate following rules and paths and the like.

Ugh, horses were supposed to be my escape, to be my freedom. I was supposed to be further than I am right now. I was supposed to have my own home where I could see them grazing in my backyard. Now, I don’t care. I half expect to go to the barn and find out that my horses were sold because of back board. Shouldn’t I be worried? Shouldn’t I be looking for a second job? Shouldn’t I be trying to get help?

There isn’t help for someone like me; for someone who dreams above her station. My debt to income ratio is too high because they don’t count my commission when they look at my income. So, I can’t get a loan to offset this slump in my pay. Thanks a lot useless, broken banking system. My mom doesn’t have the money to help me as she quit her job once she was financially able to. The rest of my family can’t help either because they are pinching pennies as well.

Where do you go when you’ve hit a deadend? When you can’t find a path to salvation? I used to believe that there was a god who cared but now, that is a lie. All I’m good for is to make money which the government takes. You know I’ve paid over 7,000 dollars in taxes this year? That’s the kicker- they base my ability to pay something back on my non commission pay but then the government looks at my whole pay and snatches every penny they can because I live alone and don’t have kids and so they think I want to pay for our welfare society. I had $800 taken out of my last paycheck. You want to know why I can’t pay board? It’s because I’m working so hard to make the money I need to pay board but when I do make the money, the government takes it. Board for one horse is $850 a month: think about it, the government literally took the money I needed to pay for board. I am so disgusted with this country and I can’t move, I can’t do anything because where will I go?

Tell me, why do I bother? Why do I try? When the government is there stealing my blood, sweat and tears? Why should I try when an imbecile in a toupee spews hate and lies to stir our country into something that will destroy itself? That toupee wearing billionaire isn’t going to do anything for our country. He is going to do what all rich, white men do: steal from the poor and give to the rich.  He’s going to marginalize the workforce and increase taxes on the lower classes. He plays to the fears of those who have hit hard times and here is the kicker- he is part of the reason why people have hit hard times. That billionaire has filed for bankruptcy. Not once but twice (or maybe more) and do you think he ever paid it back? No. Do you think any rich man who knows how to skirt laws is a smart choice to lead our country?

Tell me, why on earth would I support someone who gets off on robbing people? I live in a country that punishes the responsible and rewards those who step on toes and push people down. I live in one of the worst nations possible. We are savages without a shred of decency.