The Case for a Dark Horse President

The presidential race of 2016 has been the world’s biggest joke. On the one side we have a former first lady whose health and personal decisions are shady at best while on the other side we have a potty mouthed, silver spooned buffoon who embodies everything that is wrong with America.
I try to stay out of politics and I try to avoid reading the newspapers because I’m so tired of all the negativity and the bad mouthing that seems to be social media’s norm. We need to step up and show the world that the United States is more than a joke. What would our forefathers think if they saw the state of affairs?  Tell me, are we going to fall like the Roman Empire fell?

On the bright side there are more than two presidential candidates. In fact there are over 28 options but the main stream media doesn’t want you to know that. They would rather fixate on the diabolical that is Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump. Make no mistake, if Hilary gets elected then the United States will be stale and most likely drift into obscurity. However, if Donald Trump becomes president then every country that has a grudge against us will point their nukes in our direction and lock their scopes. I predict that if the United States populace is stupid enough to elect that toupee wearing idiot into office then we are signing our lives away. We would be putting bullseye onto our home land and you can bet that within three months of the election the United States will be no more.
I hope you understand the consequences that we are facing. The fact is we have other choices but no one wants to mention them. So I will, you have the Liberaterian nominee  Gary Johnson and Green Party nominee Jill Stein. I haven’t heard much about what either one proposes but those two are great alternatives solely because they aren’t notorious.  If you aren’t a fan of either of those options there are at least 20 other nominees, including a socialist party and an elitist party. 

Why does who we vote into office matter?

Well, for starters it shows what kind of country we are. Are we progressive or are we falling prey to our fears? Tell me, what is more sinful? Hatred of your fellow man or accepting all as they are? Biblically speaking, what would Jesus do about the state of affairs? Do you think he would be in favor of building a wall along a border? Do you think he would be interested in the hatred the presidential candidates are spreading? 

If we are, supposedly, a melting pot for any and all then why is there so much hate and posion filling the front pages? We need change, and we need it soon. We need an antibodic to cure the disease that is destroying the United States.

We need a dark horse and a white Knight. We need someone who will be more than a mindless talking head. We need someone whose career has been centered on making the world and the United States a safer, better place.

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Religion: Restless Ruminations

Several of Tim Ferriss’s blogs mention meditation and he writes in them that he tries to spend 15 minutes a day meditating. He stressed the point that he is coming from a secular viewpoint and is in no way promoting religion or a spiritual mindset. I think I might have to disagree with him.

Why?

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Here is the definition of religion: “a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, especially when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs.” via dictionary.com

Meditation is the extended process by which a person clears one’s mind to find a better sense of well being. With that in mind, meditation often talks about expanding one’s awareness to reach out to the greater universe. Above, it talks about the idea of observing rituals and striving to ascertain the purpose of the universe.

We know that there is a fixed point from which everything came. Whether it be a big bang or a supernatural being speaking something into existence; we know we came from somewhere or at least that is the theory. One could argue that we are nowhere and that we simply exist within our minds. Who knows, maybe we are all one cell amoebas thinking of grand adventures while floating in a primordial goo.

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Well, that is really more of a philosophical debate and perhaps I should finish the Thomas Paine book  I was supposed to read for philosophy 101. I have the book around here somewhere, at least I think (therefore I am). Maybe I’m confused because I slept through half of that class. I wish I didn’t, but such is life.

I’m getting to my point, I swear on the Bible? 

I grew up as a Christian. I went to church every Sunday and I followed the path I was supposed to follow. God was the dad I never had. He was bigger than life and Jesus was the savior, the one who heals all. He saved me from my sinful life (which that definition is debateable; sure I’m not perfect but sin is such an ugly word). I prayed every night and I talked to others about Jesus, you could say I was a Jesus freak. An Evangelical Covenant girl for life!

Paradise wasn’t so perfect as there was something that always rubbed me the wrong way and it was the glaring lack of a female deity. Over time I began to think of the Holy Spirit as the feminine aspect of the godhead. More and more I prayed to her, asked her for guidance and support. Although I tried to hide it, by the end of high school my belief in god had faded like an early morning fog. By senior year all I had was a vague memory of what god was. It went downhill from there.

By the time I graduated college I wasn’t a Christian anymore. At graduation I looked around at those I  thought I knew and realized I didn’t want to be like them. I never could be like them, because I was different. Intrinsically and completely different. I don’t know why it took me so long to figure it out. Sometimes, I’m a slow learner.

I’m a quarter Irish and I believe the celtic pantheon is written in my genetic code. Why? Because I think there is some credence to morphic fields and morphic inheritance.  I’ve found that the pagan ways suit my thought patterns. The surprising thing is that I feel more connected to the world when I think of the creation deity as being female. For me the polytheistic idea of gods/goddesses really isn’t multiple people but more of the same god/goddess wearing a different hat. Like I’m a writer, a horseback rider, a salesperson, a cat owner, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an acquaintance, a customer, a client, a dreamer, a sleeper, a doubter, a believer. Do you get the picture?

More than that, though, I’ve noticed a recurring theme within multiple belief systems: the triad.

Think: Freud’s idea of Id, Ego and Superego. The holy trinity Father, Son and Holy Spirit. The Threefold goddess Maiden, Mother and Crone. Why does the idea of three premiate throughout different belief systems? It is known that the most stable arrangement for vehicles is actually the tricycle. I mean think about it. When one side is weak it has the other two to lean on. There isn’t a way to unsettle the tripod. The transfer of energy require three parts, nevermind I’m not a scientist.. Oh, and the cycle of life has three parts: Life, Death and Rebirth.  A story has a beginning, middle and end. Childhood, Adulthood, Elderhood.

The idea of Karma is that whatever you do comes back to you three fold. Or Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Love your neighbor as yourself. The key here is learning to love, accept and embrace who you are, which leads me back to meditation and Tim Ferriss’s comment. I think any time we do meditation or reflect on our lives we are making a conscious decision to engage the other parts of the self, which opens up the pathway for energy to move. Since we are all made of energy we are, in a sense, honoring what made us.

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So, the old saying of treat your body like a temple is true, we are temples of the self, of energy and isn’t that interesting? I’m excited to see our world shifting back to a whole food feed the body and mind mentality as well as the movement of lean living. Let’s treat the mother the way she should be treated.

****All puns are clearly incidental as I’m not witty enough to think them up on purpose.***

Doctor Who & Torchwood

Doctor Who

VS.

Torchwood

 

 

On the off chance that I would find something interesting to watch I looked for the show that seemed to draw a huge crowd. Doctor Who pleasantly surprised with its interesting characters as well as the take on life. While the quality of filming was questionable for the first few episodes, the acting and the storylines were enough to keep me coming back for more.

When I binged watched the seasons I was surprised that there weren’t more episodes. It seemed that the Amy and Rory theme wasn’t as long as I originally thought. Which was a bit sad as I really like the dynamic between Amy and Rory. I finally figured out why Rory was called  the last centurion, it took me a long time to find that episode but it was worth the search.

I can’t wait for more seasons to be available.

While I’m waiting for those seasons I watched Torchwood. The show is a little zany but worth the watching. The last season had a feel like they were trying to move the show over to the states but it didn’t work. Which is sad as I’d have liked to see more episodes in the states. I just don’t think american minds can follow the complex nature of the Doctor Who style show.

 

Which did you like more? Torchwood or Doctor Who?

Eclectic Epitomes of Erroneous Errors

Who am I?

That is a question I ponder and as of yet, I have no positive answer. A dreamer half stuck in the land of dreams. That boundary is such a fine line for me. My old blog, Dreamer Always, was unintentionally accurate. I have Narcolepsy and quite literally I am always dreaming. My mind cannot distinguish between waking and sleeping in the same manner as brains that are healthy and free of disease. I have a disease, an imperfection without a cure.

It is an invisible disfigurement that I see every day. I try to live a normal life but this disease gets worse over time and it’s getting worse now, I’m fading. Soon enough, I’m sure my body will slip out of existence and  I will disappear. I once dreamed of being a writer, an author, a world renowned novelist. Except, I can’t finish a story and I hate editing words and all I want to do is sleep even though I took my medication this morning and I slept for seven hours last night. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, because I will never see my dreams come true. I will never know peace and happiness because it isn’t in my cards. I was born in the wrong time, with the wrong hopes, dreams and prayers.

I give up. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep playing this game when I’m going to lose no matter what.

 

Life is a gamble and the odds are against us. The odds are not in our favor. ‘May the odds never be in your favor’ is something my mom jokingly said to me one day, but the truth is well, if I can mess something up I do if a situation has the ability to get worse it does. Well, for me it will. I am Calamity Jane. A walking catastrophe and I don’t know how to change it. Who was I in a previous life that I’m being so severely punished?

Tell me what errors did I make, what did I do wrong? Tell me what I need to do to fix it and I will fix it. Part of me just wants to destroy everything to see the predicted apocalypse happen and to know real pain. This pain I feel it’s maddening and I just want it to stop. I watched Torchwood last night and Exit Wounds (episode 13, Season 2) the antagonist was Gray, who was tortured for centuries on the edge of death. He said something like I just want to die. He was a tortured soul who blamed his brother for letting go. Gray wanted to punish his brother for the pain Jack (brother) caused. In the end Jack subdued Gray but the more I think about that show the more I realize that the writer was writing about life itself, why do we keep holding on?

The feeling of wanting to exit, to flee, to leave is one I fight every day. I just want to be done. I don’t want to be brought back to this point over and over again. Why am  I being forced to live this pain? As a writer I am utterly aware of the pain I am in. It’s why I don’t look at my emails or my texts, as both are reminders of how inadequate I am.

Whispers of Wordless Worry

Salutations, I wish I had better news. I wish I could write  “I’ve succeeded, I’ve put out all the fires and I can enjoy life.” However, on this 4th of July weekend all I can think about is how incompetent I am and how inadequate my abilities are.

I want to be happy, to not feel like I’m just a shell; a casing spent and left on the floor forgotten. Reading that last sentence, I think that is the unfortunate truth: I am the forgotten play thing of some selfish god whose found more interesting, talented and engaging interests. Now, here I am lying alone in the dust coated shadows.

For me, the struggle to smile is something I wish wasn’t a struggle. At work I’ve become a good liar because I have to be a good truth stretcher. Every cheery greeting I provide, every silly comment and word of chit chat are lies. Deep down the beast within is thrashing, raging and demanding to be let out. This forced split between my true feelings and my lies is wearing on me but it’s something that must be done to maintain the status quo. On the weekends I over compensate and hide and let the true feelings marinate until they are a lovely froth. Which is about the same time that I stash them so that I can begin my work week.

Right now, I haven’t seen my horses in two weeks. I don’t care. I never thought I’d say that. I keep hoping I make the money to pay their bills but nope, at work, people think I’m useless and that I don’t know how to follow up (which is key in sales fyi). In addition to that, they believe I step over boundaries and lines; which I’m sure I do. It’s why I don’t fit in. I hate following rules and paths and the like.

Ugh, horses were supposed to be my escape, to be my freedom. I was supposed to be further than I am right now. I was supposed to have my own home where I could see them grazing in my backyard. Now, I don’t care. I half expect to go to the barn and find out that my horses were sold because of back board. Shouldn’t I be worried? Shouldn’t I be looking for a second job? Shouldn’t I be trying to get help?

There isn’t help for someone like me; for someone who dreams above her station. My debt to income ratio is too high because they don’t count my commission when they look at my income. So, I can’t get a loan to offset this slump in my pay. Thanks a lot useless, broken banking system. My mom doesn’t have the money to help me as she quit her job once she was financially able to. The rest of my family can’t help either because they are pinching pennies as well.

Where do you go when you’ve hit a deadend? When you can’t find a path to salvation? I used to believe that there was a god who cared but now, that is a lie. All I’m good for is to make money which the government takes. You know I’ve paid over 7,000 dollars in taxes this year? That’s the kicker- they base my ability to pay something back on my non commission pay but then the government looks at my whole pay and snatches every penny they can because I live alone and don’t have kids and so they think I want to pay for our welfare society. I had $800 taken out of my last paycheck. You want to know why I can’t pay board? It’s because I’m working so hard to make the money I need to pay board but when I do make the money, the government takes it. Board for one horse is $850 a month: think about it, the government literally took the money I needed to pay for board. I am so disgusted with this country and I can’t move, I can’t do anything because where will I go?

Tell me, why do I bother? Why do I try? When the government is there stealing my blood, sweat and tears? Why should I try when an imbecile in a toupee spews hate and lies to stir our country into something that will destroy itself? That toupee wearing billionaire isn’t going to do anything for our country. He is going to do what all rich, white men do: steal from the poor and give to the rich.  He’s going to marginalize the workforce and increase taxes on the lower classes. He plays to the fears of those who have hit hard times and here is the kicker- he is part of the reason why people have hit hard times. That billionaire has filed for bankruptcy. Not once but twice (or maybe more) and do you think he ever paid it back? No. Do you think any rich man who knows how to skirt laws is a smart choice to lead our country?

Tell me, why on earth would I support someone who gets off on robbing people? I live in a country that punishes the responsible and rewards those who step on toes and push people down. I live in one of the worst nations possible. We are savages without a shred of decency.

 

April Showers

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This is a clip from Catastrophe, an Amazon original; I binged watched the first season. It was a good show. I can’t wait to watch the next season which will be out tomorrow (April 8th). In the above Sharon hits that moment of Fuck, I can’t take it anymore. In true I don’t give a F*** fashion she curls up in a ball at the grocery story. A total win in my book.

The actress is so real and it is her realness that I relate to. There is one thing I envy Sharon,  and  it is that she has a goofy “American” to lean on and I don’t have that luxury. It’s insane how much harder life is when you’re on your own and you don’t have anyone in your corner. I mean when you want to curl up in a ball and just never go out and see the world again. However, you can’t because you have to fight the war without any help or support.

I think one of the most obvious moments that I was alone was when I got violently sick a few weeks ago and had to call my mom (who lives 1/2 hr away) to get me gatorade. I sat there hurting and feeling lonely, oh so lonely. I came out of it ok, but it sucked. I know people say enjoy being single blah-blah-blah. I just don’t want to anymore. I’m at a point in my life where I’ve completed all of my solo goals. Well, as best as I could. Now, I’m sitting here waiting on a ghost to appear for the next part of my journey to begin.

Why am I ready?

I’ve paid off most of my debt and I’m at a point where I thought I’d finally be able to  have my own home etc.However, that isn’t the case, because of my credit and the fact that most of my income (it’s commissioned based)  doesn’t count towards applying for a mortgage. I was so excited when I thought I was close to purchasing a home but I’m floundering right now. I’m backsliding; I can feel it. I’m not going to back slide as much I as I did before, but it’s happening and I can’t stop it.  I feel like I’m going insane.

Now, I don’t want people to think that I can’t take care of myself, I can.

The best way I guess I can explain it is by referring to Anne Bishop’s trilogy. In the series, Janelle is an extremely powerful witch even as a young child she is and because of that her blood relations resent her for it. Janelle grows up wandering the realms because she can (while no one else can) and develops relationships with many creatures that most believe are fairy tales.

Flash forward to the final book in the trilogy. Janelle has to release a “Witch Storm” to cleanse the world of evil. She could have done it alone, but she didn’t because she had her husband, brother (adopted) and father (adopted) as well as many other friends who helped her succeed. Life isn’t about being able to do everything yourself. It’s about choosing to live with friends and family.

A community.

What I seek, crave, dream and long for is that connection. That “Hey, I’m glad your still alive” connection which Ilona Andrews writes about in her stories. Again, the main character is a powerful witch (magic wielder) but, it is the fact that she forms connections that matter which make her invincible. I’m drawn to books where the main character is a strong female who can take care of herself and yet she also recognizes that it is ok to develop relationships with others.

The creation stories talk about how man was lonely, so the god(s) created a companion for man. I think that the desire to connect with others is genetically hardwired in our DNA. I’ve fought that craving for a very long time. Honestly, I never really thought I would need those connections, but I’m falling and it’s not good. I need someone to catch me (again a Black Jewels reference).

The most frustrating thing about this day and age is the fact that people are claiming the need for others is weakness. That the only opinion that matters is your opinion about yourself. That is such an amoral statement. We wonder why people kill each other, why there are so many mental illnesses and why we live in a state of unrest. It’s because we’re poisoning the waters with this garbage that we need to be self sufficient/ self reliant.

I’m not saying be helpless. I’m saying be strong, be tough and be willing to seek connection. It’s so easy to hide; I’m the queen of that. What’s harder is seeking connections that could very well rip your heart to shreds.

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Watching Castle Yields Results

I’m catching up on last night’s episode of Castle. He just said “Every fantasy story is based on a kernel of truth. An experience that powerful is going to find its way onto the page.”

Isn’t that why we write? We are moved and convinced that we have to express what we feel. Yet, we can’t explain what we feel to others so we write. We write in journals, online, we draw, we paint and create poetry, limericks, prose and stories. We write memoirs and essays. Jot down technical description and codexes. We create new literature every single second. Our thoughts beg to be put down on paper lest they scamper away.

Yet, a lot of what I want to write about I can’t write about. I have to think about my professional life. Oh, how I would love to write about how difficult my job can be at times. I’d love to deface the idealistic views people have of humanity. I’d love to create volumes of work about how horrible my life is.

I’m in that kind of mood. I’m trying to grasp straws; to keep hope alive when I feel like I have to give up.

I’ve been so busy that I haven’t been able to write much; I’m so tired that writing seems like a chore I can’t possibly surmount. Becoming financially stable seems like an impossible task. I’m quite certain I’ll keep making the same mistakes.

I was jazzed up about writing for NaNoWriMo. I want to write but I feel as though there aren’t enough hours in the day for me to write, own horses, work 40+ hours a week and live life. Writing is super important to me. I want to write. I dream of writing and networking and I want so much more.

The basis for most of my problems is that I want too much. I want to write too much. I want to explain too much. My characters are locked up by their need to want but not knowing if they deserve what they want. It is Lila’s week. I have to write her story and I’m not certain what to write. She is so close to my heart.

Other Reviews:

This fall I love:

Manhattan Love Story- The main antagonist is quirky, funny and bookish. I love how she over thinks things and her demeanor. I didn’t want to watch it at first but now I’m hooked.

Selfie: The main character is self absorbed but I relate to her because she wants to be liked. Our generation definitely has to deal with the fact we really don’t know what we are doing.

Once Upon A Time: This is a standard for me. I have to watch it on Sunday night. If I don’t bad things will happen. I love the characters and the stories. However, I want to meet Jasmine and The Frog Princess. I think those characters would be great to add into the mix.

A to Z: This is on NBC it’s interesting. Again a silly comedy about falling in love.

This Fall’s theme:

New Love and New Relationships- the eager excitement of opportunity and the uncertainty of whether or not it will happen.