Eclectic Epitomes of Erroneous Errors

Who am I?

That is a question I ponder and as of yet, I have no positive answer. A dreamer half stuck in the land of dreams. That boundary is such a fine line for me. My old blog, Dreamer Always, was unintentionally accurate. I have Narcolepsy and quite literally I am always dreaming. My mind cannot distinguish between waking and sleeping in the same manner as brains that are healthy and free of disease. I have a disease, an imperfection without a cure.

It is an invisible disfigurement that I see every day. I try to live a normal life but this disease gets worse over time and it’s getting worse now, I’m fading. Soon enough, I’m sure my body will slip out of existence and  I will disappear. I once dreamed of being a writer, an author, a world renowned novelist. Except, I can’t finish a story and I hate editing words and all I want to do is sleep even though I took my medication this morning and I slept for seven hours last night. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, because I will never see my dreams come true. I will never know peace and happiness because it isn’t in my cards. I was born in the wrong time, with the wrong hopes, dreams and prayers.

I give up. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep playing this game when I’m going to lose no matter what.

 

Life is a gamble and the odds are against us. The odds are not in our favor. ‘May the odds never be in your favor’ is something my mom jokingly said to me one day, but the truth is well, if I can mess something up I do if a situation has the ability to get worse it does. Well, for me it will. I am Calamity Jane. A walking catastrophe and I don’t know how to change it. Who was I in a previous life that I’m being so severely punished?

Tell me what errors did I make, what did I do wrong? Tell me what I need to do to fix it and I will fix it. Part of me just wants to destroy everything to see the predicted apocalypse happen and to know real pain. This pain I feel it’s maddening and I just want it to stop. I watched Torchwood last night and Exit Wounds (episode 13, Season 2) the antagonist was Gray, who was tortured for centuries on the edge of death. He said something like I just want to die. He was a tortured soul who blamed his brother for letting go. Gray wanted to punish his brother for the pain Jack (brother) caused. In the end Jack subdued Gray but the more I think about that show the more I realize that the writer was writing about life itself, why do we keep holding on?

The feeling of wanting to exit, to flee, to leave is one I fight every day. I just want to be done. I don’t want to be brought back to this point over and over again. Why am  I being forced to live this pain? As a writer I am utterly aware of the pain I am in. It’s why I don’t look at my emails or my texts, as both are reminders of how inadequate I am.

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NaNoWriMo

I am a few days late. Uh, six days to be exact. However, I’d like to say that I have a valid excuse. My car got totalled last week. A guy hit me with his utility trailer. I said it that way because whenever I say I was in an accident everyone assumes I was at fault (I wasn’t).

Thankfully my physical injuries are relatively minor. I injured my lower back and I have headaches but no broken bones nor any facial damage. The emotional and financial repercussions of the accident are substantial. Direct and indirect costs due to the crash have reached about ten grand and will increase as I have to go to the chiropractors and physical therapy. I guess I’ve hit a spate of bad luck.

So, I’ve not had the energy to write much. In fact I think I hit a large writer’s block. I said I would do NaNoWriMo though and so I shall. I’m writing it on Tablo- a book writing site. I like it because it is very user friendly and I love the interface. It is very intuitive and I would recommend it to any and all of my writer friends.

Here is a link to the beginning of my NaNoWriMo novel keep in touch and check back often. I have about another 100 words to write tonight and then I’ll call it quits.

My goal is to hit 50000 words this month. At the moment that means I need to write about 2084 words per day. I’m shooting for about 2500 words a day but we’ll see what happens. The most important thing is consistency. Writing is all about consistency.

Duchess of the Dark: Part Two

Here in the Northeast it is raining dogs and cats (well, not literally) but it is a day I wish I could curl up in comfy sweats and read a book or two. Alas, I have to be at work by noon. I did, however, finish the next installment of the serial I’m working on. Check it out here it’s a bit longer but since this serial is a work in progress it isn’t perfect.

That is what I want my readers to understand- the serial is a complicated first draft of sorts. You see, I’ve reworked the book multiple times. I’ve had to add and subtract characters, plot lines and story elements. This book has been maddening and confusing. The more I push to get done with this infernal book the more it dallies and dottles. Writing a weekly serial helps me stay on track. My readers, because you expect another story I write it. I write for you. I already know what happens at the end. I don’t need to write the story but I write it for you.

The price for this serial is “Reader sets the price” which means you can price it for 0.00 or you can contribute towards my writing career. If you want to help in another way please write a review for any (or all) of my serials. Why? because it helps bring readers to my book but it also helps me know what my readers want.