The Case for a Dark Horse President

The presidential race of 2016 has been the world’s biggest joke. On the one side we have a former first lady whose health and personal decisions are shady at best while on the other side we have a potty mouthed, silver spooned buffoon who embodies everything that is wrong with America.
I try to stay out of politics and I try to avoid reading the newspapers because I’m so tired of all the negativity and the bad mouthing that seems to be social media’s norm. We need to step up and show the world that the United States is more than a joke. What would our forefathers think if they saw the state of affairs?  Tell me, are we going to fall like the Roman Empire fell?

On the bright side there are more than two presidential candidates. In fact there are over 28 options but the main stream media doesn’t want you to know that. They would rather fixate on the diabolical that is Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump. Make no mistake, if Hilary gets elected then the United States will be stale and most likely drift into obscurity. However, if Donald Trump becomes president then every country that has a grudge against us will point their nukes in our direction and lock their scopes. I predict that if the United States populace is stupid enough to elect that toupee wearing idiot into office then we are signing our lives away. We would be putting bullseye onto our home land and you can bet that within three months of the election the United States will be no more.
I hope you understand the consequences that we are facing. The fact is we have other choices but no one wants to mention them. So I will, you have the Liberaterian nominee  Gary Johnson and Green Party nominee Jill Stein. I haven’t heard much about what either one proposes but those two are great alternatives solely because they aren’t notorious.  If you aren’t a fan of either of those options there are at least 20 other nominees, including a socialist party and an elitist party. 

Why does who we vote into office matter?

Well, for starters it shows what kind of country we are. Are we progressive or are we falling prey to our fears? Tell me, what is more sinful? Hatred of your fellow man or accepting all as they are? Biblically speaking, what would Jesus do about the state of affairs? Do you think he would be in favor of building a wall along a border? Do you think he would be interested in the hatred the presidential candidates are spreading? 

If we are, supposedly, a melting pot for any and all then why is there so much hate and posion filling the front pages? We need change, and we need it soon. We need an antibodic to cure the disease that is destroying the United States.

We need a dark horse and a white Knight. We need someone who will be more than a mindless talking head. We need someone whose career has been centered on making the world and the United States a safer, better place.


Whispers of Wordless Worry

Salutations, I wish I had better news. I wish I could write  “I’ve succeeded, I’ve put out all the fires and I can enjoy life.” However, on this 4th of July weekend all I can think about is how incompetent I am and how inadequate my abilities are.

I want to be happy, to not feel like I’m just a shell; a casing spent and left on the floor forgotten. Reading that last sentence, I think that is the unfortunate truth: I am the forgotten play thing of some selfish god whose found more interesting, talented and engaging interests. Now, here I am lying alone in the dust coated shadows.

For me, the struggle to smile is something I wish wasn’t a struggle. At work I’ve become a good liar because I have to be a good truth stretcher. Every cheery greeting I provide, every silly comment and word of chit chat are lies. Deep down the beast within is thrashing, raging and demanding to be let out. This forced split between my true feelings and my lies is wearing on me but it’s something that must be done to maintain the status quo. On the weekends I over compensate and hide and let the true feelings marinate until they are a lovely froth. Which is about the same time that I stash them so that I can begin my work week.

Right now, I haven’t seen my horses in two weeks. I don’t care. I never thought I’d say that. I keep hoping I make the money to pay their bills but nope, at work, people think I’m useless and that I don’t know how to follow up (which is key in sales fyi). In addition to that, they believe I step over boundaries and lines; which I’m sure I do. It’s why I don’t fit in. I hate following rules and paths and the like.

Ugh, horses were supposed to be my escape, to be my freedom. I was supposed to be further than I am right now. I was supposed to have my own home where I could see them grazing in my backyard. Now, I don’t care. I half expect to go to the barn and find out that my horses were sold because of back board. Shouldn’t I be worried? Shouldn’t I be looking for a second job? Shouldn’t I be trying to get help?

There isn’t help for someone like me; for someone who dreams above her station. My debt to income ratio is too high because they don’t count my commission when they look at my income. So, I can’t get a loan to offset this slump in my pay. Thanks a lot useless, broken banking system. My mom doesn’t have the money to help me as she quit her job once she was financially able to. The rest of my family can’t help either because they are pinching pennies as well.

Where do you go when you’ve hit a deadend? When you can’t find a path to salvation? I used to believe that there was a god who cared but now, that is a lie. All I’m good for is to make money which the government takes. You know I’ve paid over 7,000 dollars in taxes this year? That’s the kicker- they base my ability to pay something back on my non commission pay but then the government looks at my whole pay and snatches every penny they can because I live alone and don’t have kids and so they think I want to pay for our welfare society. I had $800 taken out of my last paycheck. You want to know why I can’t pay board? It’s because I’m working so hard to make the money I need to pay board but when I do make the money, the government takes it. Board for one horse is $850 a month: think about it, the government literally took the money I needed to pay for board. I am so disgusted with this country and I can’t move, I can’t do anything because where will I go?

Tell me, why do I bother? Why do I try? When the government is there stealing my blood, sweat and tears? Why should I try when an imbecile in a toupee spews hate and lies to stir our country into something that will destroy itself? That toupee wearing billionaire isn’t going to do anything for our country. He is going to do what all rich, white men do: steal from the poor and give to the rich.  He’s going to marginalize the workforce and increase taxes on the lower classes. He plays to the fears of those who have hit hard times and here is the kicker- he is part of the reason why people have hit hard times. That billionaire has filed for bankruptcy. Not once but twice (or maybe more) and do you think he ever paid it back? No. Do you think any rich man who knows how to skirt laws is a smart choice to lead our country?

Tell me, why on earth would I support someone who gets off on robbing people? I live in a country that punishes the responsible and rewards those who step on toes and push people down. I live in one of the worst nations possible. We are savages without a shred of decency.


The Demands of Daily Life

Hi there,

I’ve written a lot of posts over the past eight years. Some of them I’ve deleted. Others I let disappear. I’ve created multiple blogs and probably should have stuck to just one.

I’m young, at least that’s what people keep telling me. I’m 27. That seems old to me. Old enough that I should have a house and I should be able to pay my bills on time every time. Old enough that I shouldn’t be stuck in this rut that I’m in. Except, I am. This isn’t a post about that though. This is more of a reflection, a study of why I am where I am at. There are several factors that play into why my mind is not where it should be.

I’ve spent many years avoiding dissecting my life; looking at it from a third party perspective. It’s important to do that, to assess where you are and why you are there. It’s important to allow your emotions to flow out and to know why you have those emotions. One of my biggest hurdles is that I don’t really know how to let my emotions flow.

I learned how to stop feeling a long time ago. I don’t really remember making the conscious decision to stop feeling. It happened over time, like a faucet slowly getting gummed up with mineral deposits.

It’s gotten so bad that I can’t feel joy or hope or anything. So, I went to the casino to gamble because I need to pay board for my horses and my pay isn’t where it is supposed to be. I am stressing out about that; I’ve worked so hard and I don’t see the results. I’m told to work harder, to do more. All I want to do is write and play with my horses. I want to enjoy my life. To feel joy, and that is why I went to the casino. I was sure I had the luck I needed to make a little money. For a short while I did. I got drunk off the feeling of hope and excitement and winning. I’ve never really won anything before. The feeling was great and I sought to feel it again which led to me losing the money I’d won. Desperate for that feeling I went back another day. For a few seconds I felt that rush of excitement and hope.

When I realized why I’d gone to the casino and why I wanted to win; I was so lost because it took me so long to figure out why I was feeling (or not feeling) that way.  There are factors in my life that are outside of my control. Factors that are biological, cultural and social. All of these factors make it hard for me to see where I’m going.

At work we are supposed to be reading and learning from the 10X Rule by Grant Cardone. His book is like all those the other self-help, be the best you can be written by the “gurus”. Those people drive me insane, those gurus do, with their ‘you can do this if you try’ nonsense. What happens when you do try over and over again only to realize that you aren’t the best; that you are an ant waiting for the foot to step on you?

The truth is I should sell my horses and just slip into the netherworld. That is the only place for someone like me. It is because no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be good enough, I’m marked as cursed or something. Sitting here, writing this I’m looking at a pile of books I’ve been studying because I want to understand how the authors got noticed. I’ve got a story I want to sell but it’s not finished and why should I finish it when I know that I’ll just be passed by? For 27 years I’ve been passed by and when I am noticed it is for the wrong reasons. So I learned to hide and to not feel. The only weapons I had at the time. Weapons that hobble me now; I’ve hidden for so long that although I want people to notice me, I unconsciously sabotage my attempts to shine.

Image via Flickr Creative Commons, courtesy of Sally Jean

How do you win when your worst enemy is in your reflection? Self help gurus talk about being better, about optimizing each and every day. Tim Ferriss is an example of this type of ‘go get them’ and ‘here is how you do it’. I just finished listening to his podcast and he makes sense. He is a superhuman after all and for him it’s easy to optimize. He’s also a WM (white male) and that is the most privileged of all classes. It’s easy for him to say do this and be successful because for him it is easy. He has that unique factor that draws people to him.

How can I compare a 27 year old female to a 39 year old male? That is exactly the point. You can’t. What works for him is completely different than what works for me. I am so tired of feeling inadequate, of looking around and seeing where I should improve but not caring enough to do that. Where is my end? When can I stop feeling so utterly empty? The answer, most would say, is when you choose to stop to feeling that way. That’s easy for you to say, why don’t we swap shoes? Trade experiences and memories and life events? Once you’ve felt the pain I’ve felt, the fear, the sadness and the hopelessness; then we can talk.


Let’s be Official

Officially speaking, I have started to edit what I write (I know, it only took 25 and 1/2 years for me to do that). As always, I had this super awesome post I was going to write. Instead, it’s going to be a quickie and the short end of it is that I think I might have figured out how I need to write/edit. I just need to be more structured in life (like that will happen).

My kitten brought up an old piece of masking tape from the basement and is currently playing with it. I think she is a few brain cells short of being normal. Good thing she is my cat. Well, that jump in topics shows why I need to figure out a way of writing that will be both productive and doable. My Narcolepsy has been acting up lately (or I’m noticing it more?) and I’m having a hard time balancing life, dreams and sleep. I know something will give. The last time I started feeling like this I quit my job and that sent me down a lovely rabbit hole of debt and silly decisions.

On my blog Deamer Always I discuss how I feel in a bit more depth. The other thing on my mind is my death trap of a vehicle that burns through gas like I burn through coffee. I put $30 in it yesterday and it’s almost at empty again. One day, I won’t have to stress out over these things. At least I hope so.

There is Hope

There is hope. For those of us who are quite certain the world is against us. The people in that article are reminders of why being stubborn and pressing on is so important. Believe me, after the weekend I’ve had I wanted to give it up. My truck is broken (again) and I went to that horrible place where I felt I needed to sell my horses. However, I am not going to do that. I am not going to give up.

Everytime I write about something good in my life unfortunate accidents happen. I have the best worst luck in the world. I recognize that now and I will make the best of it. Sure, these past few years have been tough.20141222064512

But on the bottom of that article is a quote from Walt Disney “All the adversity I’ve had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles have strengthened me … You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.”

I sure hope he’s right because the kick in the teeth I’ve gotten isn’t one I want to sustain again. So, as this year ends I vow that some of my inefficient habits will die off. I vow to stop second guessing myself and to start taking leaps.

Are we Victims or Victors?

Let’s look at today’s media and the frothing mess it is. Look at all the negativity and all of the horrible stories slathered all over facebook, twitter and tv. We put this sewage on us and then we wonder why we stink. I am white and I am female. I caught a glimpse of a title that someone shared on facebook. It was titled “Sorry white women but we won’t feel sorry for you.” With the onslaught of stories about police brutality and the murders of several black men our society has been whipped up into a crazed demon bent on righting these wrongs.

I will be the first to admit I have not followed these stories not because I’ve deemed these deaths not important but because death happens. Death happens in horrible, horrible ways. Death happens on accident, death happens on purpose. We all die. I don’t want to sound morbid, but I am struggling to understand why we, as a nation are making a huge mountain out of a molehill. Not only that, but when anyone tries to speak up and say “Hey, chill out, seriously relax.” Those voices of reason are censored or made out to be uncaring demons who are then suspended or asked to apologize (how she phrased it was in poor taste but what she meant is true.)

I am sorry that the families of the men that died have to go through this. I am also sorry for the police officers who were doing their job to the best of their abilities. They will be remembered as killers and as men who killed a black man. My question though, is this: If a big white dude was subdued by black officers and he died because of his unhealthy weight would the media go as crazy? Would there be protests and shirts with his last words? No, there wouldn’t, because it would just be an unhealthy white dude died. Please tell me I’m wrong. I am quite certain there have been plenty of big white dudes who have died from that type of hold. Yes, the idea of race is much deeper than that scenario; but instead of drawing lines in the sand and demanding people who are reasonable to shut up- why don’t we reflect on what we can change. Why don’t we reflect on how we can help our fellow people. What happened to Ferguson and Garner were tragedies. I am aware of that but death happens in horrible ways.

Now, you may say that I have no right comment on this- to give my two cents. I’m a white girl afterall. I’ve never had to deal with injustices or hate crimes or anything. I have lived a comfy life. Well, what you assume is wrong. I have my scars and I often wish I was dead. I will not explain further because I do not want to make this post about me. What this post is about is the opportunity our society is presented with. We, as a united, diverse people, have two options: either we can be defined by our differences or we can choose to unite based on our similarities.

If we continue to fixate on the color of our skin then we are exchanging our freedom for fear and hated. What I mean is that we, as individuals, decide who and what we are. I am not defined but others’ opinions of me. When the darker skinned community cries out racism and hate and justice they hand over their identities for others to decide. When we claim to be victims we say we can’t take care of ourselves. I speak from personal experience. I speak from the fact that I was a victim and I struggle with that every single day but I don’t let it define me. So, America, we have a choice- will we continue to live in fear and focus on our differences or will we stop playing the victim?

I think the phrase: “Where there is a will, there is a way” is apt for this scenario. Today’s media focuses on the victim and how difficult their lives are; but that just promotes the idea that once a victim, always a victim. When we live in a society of victims we give away our ability to be brave, courageous and strong.

If you agree with what I’ve written please pass this along. Let’s stop blaming everyone else and let’s starting blaming ourselves. Together, let’s make the choice to be more than victims.