Directions

A week or two ago I read an article by a man who had done everything “right”. He had worked hard. Saved what he could. Then he got sick and he lost everything. It was an article I related to; I understood what he meant. He pretty much was saying “I did what everyone said I should do and I still came up short.”

Here is my problem- I did what I was supposed to do, what a good christian girl is supposed to do. I didn’t date in high school. I didn’t party, I didn’t stay out late. I didn’t do drugs nor did I drink. I worked hard and I tried to get good grades. Then I started having health issues. I found out I had a prolactinoma (because what girl wants to deal with that?) Then my step-dad got cancer. Then I went to college. I dropped out of college because I was failing. I found out I had narcolepsy. I went back to school. I believed the lie that going to college means you’ll get a good job and you’ll be able to pay your bills. I graduated from college. I got a full time job. My step-dad died. I struggled with grief. I quit my job after 14 months because I was so emotionally and physically exhausted.

I followed the safe route. I did what I was supposed to do. I didn’t party nor did I date. I focused on my career on getting ahead. I had friends and I had fun but I was always good.

Where did that get me? No where. 

I am tired of being fed the lies of “just do this and it will work out. Oh, it will work out. Just have patience.” I’ve been waiting my whole life. I’ve been believing things would work out. They never do.

I am determined to succeed.

On Tuesday I went to an appointment at Score to get help with starting up a small business. 

The two things I got from there: marry a man who is rich and you need money to make money. Thanks for a whole lot of nothing.

You see, I’m doing everything they told me I should do. I’m networking out, I have a website. I am trying my best to get something together. I went there for help, for compassion, for direction.

What I got was sorry you’re **it out of luck so marry rich and use that man’s deep pockets to fund your dreams. Oh, and mooch off of your parents. 

My question is- why even continue on when you have horrible cards. I’m not a gambler, I’m not an attention whore nor am I one to scam others. I just want to be able to make a living and pay my bills. I don’t play poker. If I did I’d fold the hand I’ve been dealt. I give up. 

I would join the armed forces but I can’t because of the prolactinoma and the narcolepsy. It’s like life just likes to keep kicking me when I’m down. 

I don’t even bother writing anymore because I don’t have the time. I’m running around working at three different places and I still can’t make ends meet.

The things I’m holding on to are my horses and now I just don’t see how I can keep them. The overwhelming suggestion is going to be- get rid of them.

Honestly though, I can’t take another hit. I’ve already lost so much. Losing them would do me in. 

Maybe, I need to stop taking the safe route. I’m doing the same thing over and over again. It means I’m insane. So why bother? Why do anything? I can’t catch a break. I’m sitting at a table with a jack a two and an eight. Horrible cards. 

Advertisements

Write What You Know

cropped-threebeauties1.jpg

I’ve been on a spree, a kick, a let’s getting going and do this path. I am passionate about two things: writing and horses. My faith in God comes before those passions and I hope that whatever I write and do makes it clear that I am a Christian. I do not want to be one of those people who blares “I am a Christian” but doesn’t live a Christian life. I would rather people know by my actions that I am a Christian. Which leads me to this floundering and questing after what I am supposed to do.

I’m supposed to write. When I think about my future there are two things that I always want: the ability to write and the ability to have horses. I’ve always thought that the two should be separate. That a career where I use both in equal parts isn’t feasible. However, it finally clicked that there are a multitude of opportunities to write within the horse world. Most horse people seek out information on a daily basis. They are people who desire community and the ability to better care for their animals.

A job as a writer is ideal. Writing is flexible. It goes hand in hand with riding horses. I think I was scared/ put off by the loftiness of some of the equestrian writing publications. we only want good writers. Was what I read most often and so I would push away all hopes of being an equestrian writer. I believed I wasn’t a good writer. That I wasn’t want they wanted.

I struck out and started searching other avenues for writing. I felt like the horse community had failed me. That I was worthless. However, I realize now that I was just believing ridiculous lies. Today, I’m working on developing connections and creating opportunities.

Today, I choose to become an equestrian writer.

Here is a blog post I read that I found very encouraging: Emily Pope

Never Giving Up

Social Media has gotten a bit ridiculous. Facebook is plastered with shares and reshares and useless bits of information and articles written by everyone and their mother (literally). People who know how to work the system are creating trends and the like. Where does that leave someone like me? I am a hard worker and I believe that doing a job well done is the best way to sell oneself. 

I’ve been going through a rough patch. I have hit more rock bottoms than I thought possible. I have had to address the darkness within and I’ve had to make some changes. I still have more changes to make but I am starting to develop a new path for my life. I have struggled with depression and feelings of worthlessness for all of my life. I have hidden those feelings deep within and I have ignored my feelings. I have tried to avoid being vulnerable.

Of late I have been showered with reminders that I can’t give up. Last night I got Chinese food and my fortune was “Do not give up, the beginning is always the hardest.” My roommates got silly fortunes that made no sense. So do I think the fortune was random? Maybe, but I like that even my fortune cookie told me not to give up.

So, I’m not giving up. I’m not rolling over and to let the world kick me. I am standing by my proclamation that I am striving to be who I was meant to be. It’s just not as easy as I thought it would be. This hard work will pay off. I will have my house and land and many more things. I will make a positive impact on the lives of others.

Most importantly, I’m not going to stop writing. These past few weeks have been hectic. I’ve scrabbled and scrambled and scraped my life off of the pavement. I’m not even close to getting to where I want to be but I’m making steps. I went to church yesterday morning.  http://www.walnuthillcc.org/ It is an amazing church. 

I need stability. I am going to make sure I have it and that my children have stability as well. The future is going to be bright. I will do what ever it takes to make sure my children’s future is the best possible future for them. Life is about more than just you. It is about the people you love and care about. I need to get well so that I can be the person my family needs me to be.