I’ve written a lot of posts over the past eight years. Some of them I’ve deleted. Others I let disappear. I’ve created multiple blogs and probably should have stuck to just one.
I’m young, at least that’s what people keep telling me. I’m 27. That seems old to me. Old enough that I should have a house and I should be able to pay my bills on time every time. Old enough that I shouldn’t be stuck in this rut that I’m in. Except, I am. This isn’t a post about that though. This is more of a reflection, a study of why I am where I am at. There are several factors that play into why my mind is not where it should be.
I’ve spent many years avoiding dissecting my life; looking at it from a third party perspective. It’s important to do that, to assess where you are and why you are there. It’s important to allow your emotions to flow out and to know why you have those emotions. One of my biggest hurdles is that I don’t really know how to let my emotions flow.
I learned how to stop feeling a long time ago. I don’t really remember making the conscious decision to stop feeling. It happened over time, like a faucet slowly getting gummed up with mineral deposits.
It’s gotten so bad that I can’t feel joy or hope or anything. So, I went to the casino to gamble because I need to pay board for my horses and my pay isn’t where it is supposed to be. I am stressing out about that; I’ve worked so hard and I don’t see the results. I’m told to work harder, to do more. All I want to do is write and play with my horses. I want to enjoy my life. To feel joy, and that is why I went to the casino. I was sure I had the luck I needed to make a little money. For a short while I did. I got drunk off the feeling of hope and excitement and winning. I’ve never really won anything before. The feeling was great and I sought to feel it again which led to me losing the money I’d won. Desperate for that feeling I went back another day. For a few seconds I felt that rush of excitement and hope.
When I realized why I’d gone to the casino and why I wanted to win; I was so lost because it took me so long to figure out why I was feeling (or not feeling) that way. There are factors in my life that are outside of my control. Factors that are biological, cultural and social. All of these factors make it hard for me to see where I’m going.
At work we are supposed to be reading and learning from the 10X Rule by Grant Cardone. His book is like all those the other self-help, be the best you can be written by the “gurus”. Those people drive me insane, those gurus do, with their ‘you can do this if you try’ nonsense. What happens when you do try over and over again only to realize that you aren’t the best; that you are an ant waiting for the foot to step on you?
The truth is I should sell my horses and just slip into the netherworld. That is the only place for someone like me. It is because no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be good enough, I’m marked as cursed or something. Sitting here, writing this I’m looking at a pile of books I’ve been studying because I want to understand how the authors got noticed. I’ve got a story I want to sell but it’s not finished and why should I finish it when I know that I’ll just be passed by? For 27 years I’ve been passed by and when I am noticed it is for the wrong reasons. So I learned to hide and to not feel. The only weapons I had at the time. Weapons that hobble me now; I’ve hidden for so long that although I want people to notice me, I unconsciously sabotage my attempts to shine.
How do you win when your worst enemy is in your reflection? Self help gurus talk about being better, about optimizing each and every day. Tim Ferriss is an example of this type of ‘go get them’ and ‘here is how you do it’. I just finished listening to his podcast and he makes sense. He is a superhuman after all and for him it’s easy to optimize. He’s also a WM (white male) and that is the most privileged of all classes. It’s easy for him to say do this and be successful because for him it is easy. He has that unique factor that draws people to him.
How can I compare a 27 year old female to a 39 year old male? That is exactly the point. You can’t. What works for him is completely different than what works for me. I am so tired of feeling inadequate, of looking around and seeing where I should improve but not caring enough to do that. Where is my end? When can I stop feeling so utterly empty? The answer, most would say, is when you choose to stop to feeling that way. That’s easy for you to say, why don’t we swap shoes? Trade experiences and memories and life events? Once you’ve felt the pain I’ve felt, the fear, the sadness and the hopelessness; then we can talk.