When to cut losses

There are times when you have to look around you and say, is this what I want? Today, I did that. I made a choice and I have to live with it. My health isn’t what it needs to be. I cannot fulfill the goal I set so long ago. I will never compete at the highest level of dressage. So, I have to let go. I’ve worked so hard for my dreams, I sacrificed so much and now, making this choice, I’m so numb. This numbness has been building for years. I don’t know why I thought there would be any other outcome besides this one.

There are the masters, the heros and then there are the peons. The ones who are meaningless cogs in the machine; replaceable and easy to forget. For years I tried to convince myself that I was more than just a peon. I fought to live in a world I had no business being in. So, I give up. I am done with fighting. I’m done with believing I am anything more than a peon.

I choose to fail. I choose to walk away from everything because no matter how hard I fight, no matter what I sacrifice, the truth is that I’ll fail. It’s fate, it’s destiny, it’s the sad, ugly truth. I’ve written on other blogs about having to put my horses up for sale but back then, I was different. I cared. I loved them and I still had hope. After over 16 years of fighting to be a part of the horse world the truth is that they never wanted me. I never fit in there and I will never fit in. I will never be the person I wanted to be because I just don’t have what it takes.

At one point, I did. Before the narcolepsy, before the concussions and before the car accident. I had what it takes but not any more. Life has shown me the truth, the sad, ugly truth. I am nothing and I will always be nothing. My horses deserve better, they deserve someone who wants them. Who loves them and who pays attention to them. That person isn’t me. My health is sliding downhill, and I have to cut back on the extras. I work too much to have pastimes, my energy is consumed by work. I work too much and I don’t get paid what I’m due because the filthy government takes my pay. So, I have to give up my horses so that I can pay my taxes.

I don’t believe in the American dream. I don’t believe in anything. Look around, there is death and destruction and sorrow at every turn. Joy is a myth and I don’t believe in it. I hate feeling like this and I hate fighting a losing battle. I used to believe in happily ever after. I used to believe that good things happen to good people but that just isn’t the case. The truth is, that fate is against all of us and those who are peons need to forget their dreams and just work because that is all they are little worker bees.

The dreams I had of being a writer and a competitive equestrian are as far away as pluto is from the sun. I don’t know what happened to me; I don’t know why I’m cursed. I wish someone would tell me why I’m being punished when all I ever did was I try to obey the rules. The only thing I did that I shouldn’t have done was dream. I dreamed that I could be more; that I could beat the odds and make it to the top. I was wrong though, I just don’t have the personality or the means to continue on. Farewell, my horses, farewell my dreams.

May you find a better dreamer.

Whispers of Wordless Worry

Salutations, I wish I had better news. I wish I could write  “I’ve succeeded, I’ve put out all the fires and I can enjoy life.” However, on this 4th of July weekend all I can think about is how incompetent I am and how inadequate my abilities are.

I want to be happy, to not feel like I’m just a shell; a casing spent and left on the floor forgotten. Reading that last sentence, I think that is the unfortunate truth: I am the forgotten play thing of some selfish god whose found more interesting, talented and engaging interests. Now, here I am lying alone in the dust coated shadows.

For me, the struggle to smile is something I wish wasn’t a struggle. At work I’ve become a good liar because I have to be a good truth stretcher. Every cheery greeting I provide, every silly comment and word of chit chat are lies. Deep down the beast within is thrashing, raging and demanding to be let out. This forced split between my true feelings and my lies is wearing on me but it’s something that must be done to maintain the status quo. On the weekends I over compensate and hide and let the true feelings marinate until they are a lovely froth. Which is about the same time that I stash them so that I can begin my work week.

Right now, I haven’t seen my horses in two weeks. I don’t care. I never thought I’d say that. I keep hoping I make the money to pay their bills but nope, at work, people think I’m useless and that I don’t know how to follow up (which is key in sales fyi). In addition to that, they believe I step over boundaries and lines; which I’m sure I do. It’s why I don’t fit in. I hate following rules and paths and the like.

Ugh, horses were supposed to be my escape, to be my freedom. I was supposed to be further than I am right now. I was supposed to have my own home where I could see them grazing in my backyard. Now, I don’t care. I half expect to go to the barn and find out that my horses were sold because of back board. Shouldn’t I be worried? Shouldn’t I be looking for a second job? Shouldn’t I be trying to get help?

There isn’t help for someone like me; for someone who dreams above her station. My debt to income ratio is too high because they don’t count my commission when they look at my income. So, I can’t get a loan to offset this slump in my pay. Thanks a lot useless, broken banking system. My mom doesn’t have the money to help me as she quit her job once she was financially able to. The rest of my family can’t help either because they are pinching pennies as well.

Where do you go when you’ve hit a deadend? When you can’t find a path to salvation? I used to believe that there was a god who cared but now, that is a lie. All I’m good for is to make money which the government takes. You know I’ve paid over 7,000 dollars in taxes this year? That’s the kicker- they base my ability to pay something back on my non commission pay but then the government looks at my whole pay and snatches every penny they can because I live alone and don’t have kids and so they think I want to pay for our welfare society. I had $800 taken out of my last paycheck. You want to know why I can’t pay board? It’s because I’m working so hard to make the money I need to pay board but when I do make the money, the government takes it. Board for one horse is $850 a month: think about it, the government literally took the money I needed to pay for board. I am so disgusted with this country and I can’t move, I can’t do anything because where will I go?

Tell me, why do I bother? Why do I try? When the government is there stealing my blood, sweat and tears? Why should I try when an imbecile in a toupee spews hate and lies to stir our country into something that will destroy itself? That toupee wearing billionaire isn’t going to do anything for our country. He is going to do what all rich, white men do: steal from the poor and give to the rich.  He’s going to marginalize the workforce and increase taxes on the lower classes. He plays to the fears of those who have hit hard times and here is the kicker- he is part of the reason why people have hit hard times. That billionaire has filed for bankruptcy. Not once but twice (or maybe more) and do you think he ever paid it back? No. Do you think any rich man who knows how to skirt laws is a smart choice to lead our country?

Tell me, why on earth would I support someone who gets off on robbing people? I live in a country that punishes the responsible and rewards those who step on toes and push people down. I live in one of the worst nations possible. We are savages without a shred of decency.

 

It’s been a long time coming

There are movers and shakers, then there is me.

I kind of like that as a first line to a novel. There are a lot of things I like but I don’t think anyone else likes.

Where have I been? That’s a good question. I’ve been in the proverbial mud hole cleaning up gunk and try to wade out of the neverending bog.

I have to say thank you to all who have sent positive thoughts my way. Your worry and prayer is greatly appreciated.

At this time I’m still a dreamer. I’m still pining for bright stars and for a time when money issues are a thing of the past.

There is more I suppose a true blogger would share. Get down to the nitty gritty. Show you the train wreck I know my life to be. However, I’m a purist and I believe in only showing the good because when I try to explain the bad, well all I get is a lot of negative feedback.

As usual, my train of thought is rather stilted. I guess I need some coffee.

You can thank a fellow writer named Terry

http://www.terrymaggert.com/

For this post as whenever I get a comment like you have a good blog I inevitably zip over and see how long it’s been since I’ve written and then promptly write a new blog.

While on that train of thought- maybe this whole writing thing I’ve got backwards. If I try hard at something I mess up because I lock up in worry. This is a truth. I’m a good rider, like really good but if I actually try to ride I look sloppy. In addition to that I get in my own way and close the channels of communication between me and my horses.

If I relax and just ride my muscles know what to do. I just have to think something and my horse does it. Now, this is supposed to be a blog for fiction and writing but I just need to share this.

Financially speaking I’m almost where I want to be. There are a few more debts I working on settling. Bills I need to stay on top of, but I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Which is important because I am finally allowing myself to enjoy my horses. After 2.5 years of struggling I am able to breathe and that is huge. I’ve moved my horses to a full care facility because I can afford it; more than that my sanity needed a change. For the past two weeks I’ve ridden more than in the past year. I think I’ve spent more quality time with my horses too.

The reason I bred for Fae was so that I could raise and train her myself. She is so smart and so perfect. I just love her. Julie is amazing as well, I got on her after three months of not riding and she was great. Went right to work and she was so happy that we were working again. I have the two best horses ever.

The barn I’m at is full of Hunter/jumper people. Most of whom have pockets so deep they seem endless. Which is fine but what I don’t like is the fact that my horses don’t have much turnout (the struggle is real) and the fact that people assume I am going to break my horse under saddle. I don’t want my horse broken (I’m talking about Fae, Julie is a pro under saddle) and when I say I’m starting her they look down at me because I’m not sending her away to be broken by a cowboy.

Seriously, people can be so dense. The only person who has trained Fae is me. She lunges better than most horses. She stands for the farrier and vet. She stands on the cross ties. She takes a bit no problem.

I get so tired of people assuming I don’t know anything because I don’t have an extensive show background. I chose to own a horse instead of show it. My focus has always been on the bond between horse and human.

I have no desire to deal with anyone else. Most days I wish I had the money to build a fortress where no one could get in on a mountain long forgotten.

Happy Writing!

 

 

 

Taking Action

Growth: 4. The development from a simpler to a more complex stage.

As I sit here forming this post I keep wondering why I’ve had to deal with this mess of a life. I keep wishing I could go back in time back to a simpler stage of my life. I wish I didn’t have to budget and plan ahead. I wish I could go back to being in school and the most difficult thing I had to deal with was whether or not I wanted to keep riding. Oh, how I thought that my life was difficult back then. Those years were cake walks compared to the choices I am now faced with.

Which leads me to what I want to talk to you about today.

Each writer must make an active decision to grow.

I am naturally gifted with being able to learn quickly. I’ve used that skill to avoid having to actually learn something. However, that strength is also a weakness. I am at a point in my life where I have to actually learn how to do things. I have to stop hoping someone will hire me based on my potential and instead I have to give them quantifiable skills that make me an asset. After college I did the safe thing- the thing I knew how to do. I became a horse trainer. It was easy. I taught lessons and I helped people progress. I worked with horses and made them more rideable but I wasn’t happy. I got bored. Oh, how quickly I got bored.

So, I began the rough journey of finding myself (I’m still on that journey). It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be. It is, well, it has been hell. I am exhausted. I’ve been pushed to the limits multiple times. I keep saying enough but instead I’m pushed harder. I’m lazy. I hate having to work. I’m a hard worker but I’m very good at doing a whole lot of nothing. I’ve mastered that skill. Which is why this time in my life is so difficult.

I’m taking action though, and that is key. No matter what you do. No matter what it is that you love to do. Make sure to always take action and make the difficult choices. The choices you’d rather not make. Sometimes, having to sacrifice is better than having to give something up completely.