There are times when you have to look around you and say, is this what I want? Today, I did that. I made a choice and I have to live with it. My health isn’t what it needs to be. I cannot fulfill the goal I set so long ago. I will never compete at the highest level of dressage. So, I have to let go. I’ve worked so hard for my dreams, I sacrificed so much and now, making this choice, I’m so numb. This numbness has been building for years. I don’t know why I thought there would be any other outcome besides this one.
There are the masters, the heros and then there are the peons. The ones who are meaningless cogs in the machine; replaceable and easy to forget. For years I tried to convince myself that I was more than just a peon. I fought to live in a world I had no business being in. So, I give up. I am done with fighting. I’m done with believing I am anything more than a peon.
I choose to fail. I choose to walk away from everything because no matter how hard I fight, no matter what I sacrifice, the truth is that I’ll fail. It’s fate, it’s destiny, it’s the sad, ugly truth. I’ve written on other blogs about having to put my horses up for sale but back then, I was different. I cared. I loved them and I still had hope. After over 16 years of fighting to be a part of the horse world the truth is that they never wanted me. I never fit in there and I will never fit in. I will never be the person I wanted to be because I just don’t have what it takes.
At one point, I did. Before the narcolepsy, before the concussions and before the car accident. I had what it takes but not any more. Life has shown me the truth, the sad, ugly truth. I am nothing and I will always be nothing. My horses deserve better, they deserve someone who wants them. Who loves them and who pays attention to them. That person isn’t me. My health is sliding downhill, and I have to cut back on the extras. I work too much to have pastimes, my energy is consumed by work. I work too much and I don’t get paid what I’m due because the filthy government takes my pay. So, I have to give up my horses so that I can pay my taxes.
I don’t believe in the American dream. I don’t believe in anything. Look around, there is death and destruction and sorrow at every turn. Joy is a myth and I don’t believe in it. I hate feeling like this and I hate fighting a losing battle. I used to believe in happily ever after. I used to believe that good things happen to good people but that just isn’t the case. The truth is, that fate is against all of us and those who are peons need to forget their dreams and just work because that is all they are little worker bees.
The dreams I had of being a writer and a competitive equestrian are as far away as pluto is from the sun. I don’t know what happened to me; I don’t know why I’m cursed. I wish someone would tell me why I’m being punished when all I ever did was I try to obey the rules. The only thing I did that I shouldn’t have done was dream. I dreamed that I could be more; that I could beat the odds and make it to the top. I was wrong though, I just don’t have the personality or the means to continue on. Farewell, my horses, farewell my dreams.
May you find a better dreamer.