Whispers of Wordless Worry

Salutations, I wish I had better news. I wish I could write  “I’ve succeeded, I’ve put out all the fires and I can enjoy life.” However, on this 4th of July weekend all I can think about is how incompetent I am and how inadequate my abilities are.

I want to be happy, to not feel like I’m just a shell; a casing spent and left on the floor forgotten. Reading that last sentence, I think that is the unfortunate truth: I am the forgotten play thing of some selfish god whose found more interesting, talented and engaging interests. Now, here I am lying alone in the dust coated shadows.

For me, the struggle to smile is something I wish wasn’t a struggle. At work I’ve become a good liar because I have to be a good truth stretcher. Every cheery greeting I provide, every silly comment and word of chit chat are lies. Deep down the beast within is thrashing, raging and demanding to be let out. This forced split between my true feelings and my lies is wearing on me but it’s something that must be done to maintain the status quo. On the weekends I over compensate and hide and let the true feelings marinate until they are a lovely froth. Which is about the same time that I stash them so that I can begin my work week.

Right now, I haven’t seen my horses in two weeks. I don’t care. I never thought I’d say that. I keep hoping I make the money to pay their bills but nope, at work, people think I’m useless and that I don’t know how to follow up (which is key in sales fyi). In addition to that, they believe I step over boundaries and lines; which I’m sure I do. It’s why I don’t fit in. I hate following rules and paths and the like.

Ugh, horses were supposed to be my escape, to be my freedom. I was supposed to be further than I am right now. I was supposed to have my own home where I could see them grazing in my backyard. Now, I don’t care. I half expect to go to the barn and find out that my horses were sold because of back board. Shouldn’t I be worried? Shouldn’t I be looking for a second job? Shouldn’t I be trying to get help?

There isn’t help for someone like me; for someone who dreams above her station. My debt to income ratio is too high because they don’t count my commission when they look at my income. So, I can’t get a loan to offset this slump in my pay. Thanks a lot useless, broken banking system. My mom doesn’t have the money to help me as she quit her job once she was financially able to. The rest of my family can’t help either because they are pinching pennies as well.

Where do you go when you’ve hit a deadend? When you can’t find a path to salvation? I used to believe that there was a god who cared but now, that is a lie. All I’m good for is to make money which the government takes. You know I’ve paid over 7,000 dollars in taxes this year? That’s the kicker- they base my ability to pay something back on my non commission pay but then the government looks at my whole pay and snatches every penny they can because I live alone and don’t have kids and so they think I want to pay for our welfare society. I had $800 taken out of my last paycheck. You want to know why I can’t pay board? It’s because I’m working so hard to make the money I need to pay board but when I do make the money, the government takes it. Board for one horse is $850 a month: think about it, the government literally took the money I needed to pay for board. I am so disgusted with this country and I can’t move, I can’t do anything because where will I go?

Tell me, why do I bother? Why do I try? When the government is there stealing my blood, sweat and tears? Why should I try when an imbecile in a toupee spews hate and lies to stir our country into something that will destroy itself? That toupee wearing billionaire isn’t going to do anything for our country. He is going to do what all rich, white men do: steal from the poor and give to the rich.  He’s going to marginalize the workforce and increase taxes on the lower classes. He plays to the fears of those who have hit hard times and here is the kicker- he is part of the reason why people have hit hard times. That billionaire has filed for bankruptcy. Not once but twice (or maybe more) and do you think he ever paid it back? No. Do you think any rich man who knows how to skirt laws is a smart choice to lead our country?

Tell me, why on earth would I support someone who gets off on robbing people? I live in a country that punishes the responsible and rewards those who step on toes and push people down. I live in one of the worst nations possible. We are savages without a shred of decency.

 

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The Demands of Daily Life

Hi there,

I’ve written a lot of posts over the past eight years. Some of them I’ve deleted. Others I let disappear. I’ve created multiple blogs and probably should have stuck to just one.

I’m young, at least that’s what people keep telling me. I’m 27. That seems old to me. Old enough that I should have a house and I should be able to pay my bills on time every time. Old enough that I shouldn’t be stuck in this rut that I’m in. Except, I am. This isn’t a post about that though. This is more of a reflection, a study of why I am where I am at. There are several factors that play into why my mind is not where it should be.

I’ve spent many years avoiding dissecting my life; looking at it from a third party perspective. It’s important to do that, to assess where you are and why you are there. It’s important to allow your emotions to flow out and to know why you have those emotions. One of my biggest hurdles is that I don’t really know how to let my emotions flow.

I learned how to stop feeling a long time ago. I don’t really remember making the conscious decision to stop feeling. It happened over time, like a faucet slowly getting gummed up with mineral deposits.

It’s gotten so bad that I can’t feel joy or hope or anything. So, I went to the casino to gamble because I need to pay board for my horses and my pay isn’t where it is supposed to be. I am stressing out about that; I’ve worked so hard and I don’t see the results. I’m told to work harder, to do more. All I want to do is write and play with my horses. I want to enjoy my life. To feel joy, and that is why I went to the casino. I was sure I had the luck I needed to make a little money. For a short while I did. I got drunk off the feeling of hope and excitement and winning. I’ve never really won anything before. The feeling was great and I sought to feel it again which led to me losing the money I’d won. Desperate for that feeling I went back another day. For a few seconds I felt that rush of excitement and hope.

When I realized why I’d gone to the casino and why I wanted to win; I was so lost because it took me so long to figure out why I was feeling (or not feeling) that way.  There are factors in my life that are outside of my control. Factors that are biological, cultural and social. All of these factors make it hard for me to see where I’m going.

At work we are supposed to be reading and learning from the 10X Rule by Grant Cardone. His book is like all those the other self-help, be the best you can be written by the “gurus”. Those people drive me insane, those gurus do, with their ‘you can do this if you try’ nonsense. What happens when you do try over and over again only to realize that you aren’t the best; that you are an ant waiting for the foot to step on you?

The truth is I should sell my horses and just slip into the netherworld. That is the only place for someone like me. It is because no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be good enough, I’m marked as cursed or something. Sitting here, writing this I’m looking at a pile of books I’ve been studying because I want to understand how the authors got noticed. I’ve got a story I want to sell but it’s not finished and why should I finish it when I know that I’ll just be passed by? For 27 years I’ve been passed by and when I am noticed it is for the wrong reasons. So I learned to hide and to not feel. The only weapons I had at the time. Weapons that hobble me now; I’ve hidden for so long that although I want people to notice me, I unconsciously sabotage my attempts to shine.

Image via Flickr Creative Commons, courtesy of Sally Jean

How do you win when your worst enemy is in your reflection? Self help gurus talk about being better, about optimizing each and every day. Tim Ferriss is an example of this type of ‘go get them’ and ‘here is how you do it’. I just finished listening to his podcast and he makes sense. He is a superhuman after all and for him it’s easy to optimize. He’s also a WM (white male) and that is the most privileged of all classes. It’s easy for him to say do this and be successful because for him it is easy. He has that unique factor that draws people to him.

How can I compare a 27 year old female to a 39 year old male? That is exactly the point. You can’t. What works for him is completely different than what works for me. I am so tired of feeling inadequate, of looking around and seeing where I should improve but not caring enough to do that. Where is my end? When can I stop feeling so utterly empty? The answer, most would say, is when you choose to stop to feeling that way. That’s easy for you to say, why don’t we swap shoes? Trade experiences and memories and life events? Once you’ve felt the pain I’ve felt, the fear, the sadness and the hopelessness; then we can talk.

xthuwolvommlw3hea4

Excessive Failure

To write is to expose one’s flesh to the masses.

It is with such fear that we jot our lives down.

 

The hope we’ve known is within our thoughts

Merely, the culmination of chemicals

switching receptors on and off.

 

What wondrous confusion these bodies are.

Surely, they are our biggest failure.

Why did we take bodies?

 

Poetry Month

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This kid is super cute. Must be the emblem on his chest.

Super

Amazing

Awe Inspiring.

Where is my superman?

Does he exist in this age of Technology

And Spewers of hate and doubters?

Or has he disappeared

as the dinosaurs have?

Is he a mythical beast like the unicorns?

Show me where he is.

A tiny glimmer is all I ask for.

 

 

April Showers

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This is a clip from Catastrophe, an Amazon original; I binged watched the first season. It was a good show. I can’t wait to watch the next season which will be out tomorrow (April 8th). In the above Sharon hits that moment of Fuck, I can’t take it anymore. In true I don’t give a F*** fashion she curls up in a ball at the grocery story. A total win in my book.

The actress is so real and it is her realness that I relate to. There is one thing I envy Sharon,  and  it is that she has a goofy “American” to lean on and I don’t have that luxury. It’s insane how much harder life is when you’re on your own and you don’t have anyone in your corner. I mean when you want to curl up in a ball and just never go out and see the world again. However, you can’t because you have to fight the war without any help or support.

I think one of the most obvious moments that I was alone was when I got violently sick a few weeks ago and had to call my mom (who lives 1/2 hr away) to get me gatorade. I sat there hurting and feeling lonely, oh so lonely. I came out of it ok, but it sucked. I know people say enjoy being single blah-blah-blah. I just don’t want to anymore. I’m at a point in my life where I’ve completed all of my solo goals. Well, as best as I could. Now, I’m sitting here waiting on a ghost to appear for the next part of my journey to begin.

Why am I ready?

I’ve paid off most of my debt and I’m at a point where I thought I’d finally be able to  have my own home etc.However, that isn’t the case, because of my credit and the fact that most of my income (it’s commissioned based)  doesn’t count towards applying for a mortgage. I was so excited when I thought I was close to purchasing a home but I’m floundering right now. I’m backsliding; I can feel it. I’m not going to back slide as much I as I did before, but it’s happening and I can’t stop it.  I feel like I’m going insane.

Now, I don’t want people to think that I can’t take care of myself, I can.

The best way I guess I can explain it is by referring to Anne Bishop’s trilogy. In the series, Janelle is an extremely powerful witch even as a young child she is and because of that her blood relations resent her for it. Janelle grows up wandering the realms because she can (while no one else can) and develops relationships with many creatures that most believe are fairy tales.

Flash forward to the final book in the trilogy. Janelle has to release a “Witch Storm” to cleanse the world of evil. She could have done it alone, but she didn’t because she had her husband, brother (adopted) and father (adopted) as well as many other friends who helped her succeed. Life isn’t about being able to do everything yourself. It’s about choosing to live with friends and family.

A community.

What I seek, crave, dream and long for is that connection. That “Hey, I’m glad your still alive” connection which Ilona Andrews writes about in her stories. Again, the main character is a powerful witch (magic wielder) but, it is the fact that she forms connections that matter which make her invincible. I’m drawn to books where the main character is a strong female who can take care of herself and yet she also recognizes that it is ok to develop relationships with others.

The creation stories talk about how man was lonely, so the god(s) created a companion for man. I think that the desire to connect with others is genetically hardwired in our DNA. I’ve fought that craving for a very long time. Honestly, I never really thought I would need those connections, but I’m falling and it’s not good. I need someone to catch me (again a Black Jewels reference).

The most frustrating thing about this day and age is the fact that people are claiming the need for others is weakness. That the only opinion that matters is your opinion about yourself. That is such an amoral statement. We wonder why people kill each other, why there are so many mental illnesses and why we live in a state of unrest. It’s because we’re poisoning the waters with this garbage that we need to be self sufficient/ self reliant.

I’m not saying be helpless. I’m saying be strong, be tough and be willing to seek connection. It’s so easy to hide; I’m the queen of that. What’s harder is seeking connections that could very well rip your heart to shreds.

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It’s been a long time coming

There are movers and shakers, then there is me.

I kind of like that as a first line to a novel. There are a lot of things I like but I don’t think anyone else likes.

Where have I been? That’s a good question. I’ve been in the proverbial mud hole cleaning up gunk and try to wade out of the neverending bog.

I have to say thank you to all who have sent positive thoughts my way. Your worry and prayer is greatly appreciated.

At this time I’m still a dreamer. I’m still pining for bright stars and for a time when money issues are a thing of the past.

There is more I suppose a true blogger would share. Get down to the nitty gritty. Show you the train wreck I know my life to be. However, I’m a purist and I believe in only showing the good because when I try to explain the bad, well all I get is a lot of negative feedback.

As usual, my train of thought is rather stilted. I guess I need some coffee.

You can thank a fellow writer named Terry

http://www.terrymaggert.com/

For this post as whenever I get a comment like you have a good blog I inevitably zip over and see how long it’s been since I’ve written and then promptly write a new blog.

While on that train of thought- maybe this whole writing thing I’ve got backwards. If I try hard at something I mess up because I lock up in worry. This is a truth. I’m a good rider, like really good but if I actually try to ride I look sloppy. In addition to that I get in my own way and close the channels of communication between me and my horses.

If I relax and just ride my muscles know what to do. I just have to think something and my horse does it. Now, this is supposed to be a blog for fiction and writing but I just need to share this.

Financially speaking I’m almost where I want to be. There are a few more debts I working on settling. Bills I need to stay on top of, but I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Which is important because I am finally allowing myself to enjoy my horses. After 2.5 years of struggling I am able to breathe and that is huge. I’ve moved my horses to a full care facility because I can afford it; more than that my sanity needed a change. For the past two weeks I’ve ridden more than in the past year. I think I’ve spent more quality time with my horses too.

The reason I bred for Fae was so that I could raise and train her myself. She is so smart and so perfect. I just love her. Julie is amazing as well, I got on her after three months of not riding and she was great. Went right to work and she was so happy that we were working again. I have the two best horses ever.

The barn I’m at is full of Hunter/jumper people. Most of whom have pockets so deep they seem endless. Which is fine but what I don’t like is the fact that my horses don’t have much turnout (the struggle is real) and the fact that people assume I am going to break my horse under saddle. I don’t want my horse broken (I’m talking about Fae, Julie is a pro under saddle) and when I say I’m starting her they look down at me because I’m not sending her away to be broken by a cowboy.

Seriously, people can be so dense. The only person who has trained Fae is me. She lunges better than most horses. She stands for the farrier and vet. She stands on the cross ties. She takes a bit no problem.

I get so tired of people assuming I don’t know anything because I don’t have an extensive show background. I chose to own a horse instead of show it. My focus has always been on the bond between horse and human.

I have no desire to deal with anyone else. Most days I wish I had the money to build a fortress where no one could get in on a mountain long forgotten.

Happy Writing!

 

 

 

Writing on the way

On the way to where I am I lost myself to say.

The least of which was known is now the most I know.

For those who travel light.

Well, the way will never be light enough.

To stop and enjoy what was once a famine.

There is where you will feast.

The past is the future when you are at your

last breath.

Truly, this is what time has started and stopped.