Whispers of Wordless Worry

Salutations, I wish I had better news. I wish I could write  “I’ve succeeded, I’ve put out all the fires and I can enjoy life.” However, on this 4th of July weekend all I can think about is how incompetent I am and how inadequate my abilities are.

I want to be happy, to not feel like I’m just a shell; a casing spent and left on the floor forgotten. Reading that last sentence, I think that is the unfortunate truth: I am the forgotten play thing of some selfish god whose found more interesting, talented and engaging interests. Now, here I am lying alone in the dust coated shadows.

For me, the struggle to smile is something I wish wasn’t a struggle. At work I’ve become a good liar because I have to be a good truth stretcher. Every cheery greeting I provide, every silly comment and word of chit chat are lies. Deep down the beast within is thrashing, raging and demanding to be let out. This forced split between my true feelings and my lies is wearing on me but it’s something that must be done to maintain the status quo. On the weekends I over compensate and hide and let the true feelings marinate until they are a lovely froth. Which is about the same time that I stash them so that I can begin my work week.

Right now, I haven’t seen my horses in two weeks. I don’t care. I never thought I’d say that. I keep hoping I make the money to pay their bills but nope, at work, people think I’m useless and that I don’t know how to follow up (which is key in sales fyi). In addition to that, they believe I step over boundaries and lines; which I’m sure I do. It’s why I don’t fit in. I hate following rules and paths and the like.

Ugh, horses were supposed to be my escape, to be my freedom. I was supposed to be further than I am right now. I was supposed to have my own home where I could see them grazing in my backyard. Now, I don’t care. I half expect to go to the barn and find out that my horses were sold because of back board. Shouldn’t I be worried? Shouldn’t I be looking for a second job? Shouldn’t I be trying to get help?

There isn’t help for someone like me; for someone who dreams above her station. My debt to income ratio is too high because they don’t count my commission when they look at my income. So, I can’t get a loan to offset this slump in my pay. Thanks a lot useless, broken banking system. My mom doesn’t have the money to help me as she quit her job once she was financially able to. The rest of my family can’t help either because they are pinching pennies as well.

Where do you go when you’ve hit a deadend? When you can’t find a path to salvation? I used to believe that there was a god who cared but now, that is a lie. All I’m good for is to make money which the government takes. You know I’ve paid over 7,000 dollars in taxes this year? That’s the kicker- they base my ability to pay something back on my non commission pay but then the government looks at my whole pay and snatches every penny they can because I live alone and don’t have kids and so they think I want to pay for our welfare society. I had $800 taken out of my last paycheck. You want to know why I can’t pay board? It’s because I’m working so hard to make the money I need to pay board but when I do make the money, the government takes it. Board for one horse is $850 a month: think about it, the government literally took the money I needed to pay for board. I am so disgusted with this country and I can’t move, I can’t do anything because where will I go?

Tell me, why do I bother? Why do I try? When the government is there stealing my blood, sweat and tears? Why should I try when an imbecile in a toupee spews hate and lies to stir our country into something that will destroy itself? That toupee wearing billionaire isn’t going to do anything for our country. He is going to do what all rich, white men do: steal from the poor and give to the rich.  He’s going to marginalize the workforce and increase taxes on the lower classes. He plays to the fears of those who have hit hard times and here is the kicker- he is part of the reason why people have hit hard times. That billionaire has filed for bankruptcy. Not once but twice (or maybe more) and do you think he ever paid it back? No. Do you think any rich man who knows how to skirt laws is a smart choice to lead our country?

Tell me, why on earth would I support someone who gets off on robbing people? I live in a country that punishes the responsible and rewards those who step on toes and push people down. I live in one of the worst nations possible. We are savages without a shred of decency.

 

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