April Showers


This is a clip from Catastrophe, an Amazon original; I binged watched the first season. It was a good show. I can’t wait to watch the next season which will be out tomorrow (April 8th). In the above Sharon hits that moment of Fuck, I can’t take it anymore. In true I don’t give a F*** fashion she curls up in a ball at the grocery story. A total win in my book.

The actress is so real and it is her realness that I relate to. There is one thing I envy Sharon,  and  it is that she has a goofy “American” to lean on and I don’t have that luxury. It’s insane how much harder life is when you’re on your own and you don’t have anyone in your corner. I mean when you want to curl up in a ball and just never go out and see the world again. However, you can’t because you have to fight the war without any help or support.

I think one of the most obvious moments that I was alone was when I got violently sick a few weeks ago and had to call my mom (who lives 1/2 hr away) to get me gatorade. I sat there hurting and feeling lonely, oh so lonely. I came out of it ok, but it sucked. I know people say enjoy being single blah-blah-blah. I just don’t want to anymore. I’m at a point in my life where I’ve completed all of my solo goals. Well, as best as I could. Now, I’m sitting here waiting on a ghost to appear for the next part of my journey to begin.

Why am I ready?

I’ve paid off most of my debt and I’m at a point where I thought I’d finally be able to  have my own home etc.However, that isn’t the case, because of my credit and the fact that most of my income (it’s commissioned based)  doesn’t count towards applying for a mortgage. I was so excited when I thought I was close to purchasing a home but I’m floundering right now. I’m backsliding; I can feel it. I’m not going to back slide as much I as I did before, but it’s happening and I can’t stop it.  I feel like I’m going insane.

Now, I don’t want people to think that I can’t take care of myself, I can.

The best way I guess I can explain it is by referring to Anne Bishop’s trilogy. In the series, Janelle is an extremely powerful witch even as a young child she is and because of that her blood relations resent her for it. Janelle grows up wandering the realms because she can (while no one else can) and develops relationships with many creatures that most believe are fairy tales.

Flash forward to the final book in the trilogy. Janelle has to release a “Witch Storm” to cleanse the world of evil. She could have done it alone, but she didn’t because she had her husband, brother (adopted) and father (adopted) as well as many other friends who helped her succeed. Life isn’t about being able to do everything yourself. It’s about choosing to live with friends and family.

A community.

What I seek, crave, dream and long for is that connection. That “Hey, I’m glad your still alive” connection which Ilona Andrews writes about in her stories. Again, the main character is a powerful witch (magic wielder) but, it is the fact that she forms connections that matter which make her invincible. I’m drawn to books where the main character is a strong female who can take care of herself and yet she also recognizes that it is ok to develop relationships with others.

The creation stories talk about how man was lonely, so the god(s) created a companion for man. I think that the desire to connect with others is genetically hardwired in our DNA. I’ve fought that craving for a very long time. Honestly, I never really thought I would need those connections, but I’m falling and it’s not good. I need someone to catch me (again a Black Jewels reference).

The most frustrating thing about this day and age is the fact that people are claiming the need for others is weakness. That the only opinion that matters is your opinion about yourself. That is such an amoral statement. We wonder why people kill each other, why there are so many mental illnesses and why we live in a state of unrest. It’s because we’re poisoning the waters with this garbage that we need to be self sufficient/ self reliant.

I’m not saying be helpless. I’m saying be strong, be tough and be willing to seek connection. It’s so easy to hide; I’m the queen of that. What’s harder is seeking connections that could very well rip your heart to shreds.




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