On being a big sister

It’s all or nothing. Most of the time I’m not a big sister. Instead, I am off in my own little world. It’s easier that way. If I’m not a big sister then I don’t have to think about how I’ve missed watching my siblings grow up. For as long as I can remember I told myself that once I was rich and successful then I’d be there for my siblings. Once x,y,z and then I’d be there for them.

I’ve missed so many years. Now, it’s “oh, they don’t want to know me. They don’t need me. I’m not good enough for them.” It is such a horrible lie; but something I trapped myself in. One I’ve told myself for years; now, it is a truth I can’t seem to escape.

Except, my siblings need me.The oldest of my younger siblings has started back at school (college) and I’m so excited for him. He has to write a paper and guess who knows how to write? That would be his older sister. However, he and I are both the same in that we hate asking for help. He wanted help but wouldn’t ask for it. Instead, I offered to help him and here I am sitting in the living room writing on my blog. Speaking of which after this I need to send out emails for the American Trakehner Association. I’m here to support him, to remind him that he can do it. I’ll stay here with him until he is finished. Why? because as an older sister that is what I need to do.

It’s tough because he’s as stubborn as I am. He has his opinions and I have mine but I’ve learned how to better phrase my sentences and my ideas. I’ve learned how to be an older sister. It’s taken a while and there is still a lot more I have to learn but that’s the whole point of living- learning.

In other news: There may be some positive changes coming my way. My life is way overdue for then. I am excited and hopeful and maybe very nervous a little nervous for what is to come.

It’s a bit like preparing for an adventure- one that isn’t certain but you hope happens. I’ve packed my metaphorical bag and I’m standing on the dock bobbing up and down on the balls of my feet. On the horizon an ocean liner sits and I’m crossing my fingers; hoping I bought the right ticket.

Other ships have docked and I’ve tried to board, only to be told “Sorry, but this isn’t for you; better luck next time.” Each time I felt a little part of me die and I watched as a dream I had disappeared into the murky waters of the sea.  Oh, how I hope I don’t lose this last hope. I hope that this is the adventure I’ve been looking for.


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