The Season of Love is Waning

I’ve been a bit quiet lately, but it hasn’t been on purpose. I miss my daily writing and talking about my woes. It seems that I’ve become so busy, living life one day to the next. So much so, that I only remember that I haven’t written as my close my eyes for the night.

This winter, one with snowstorm after snowstorm, you’d think I’d have time to pen my thoughts. Alas, you and I are wrong. I’ve been living life and it seems that I am on the cusp of a new beginning. A start to a life that has been stagnant for too long.  When I write things like that it always seems that my hope is dashed. It won’t; not this time.

For I am different. I am ready for the change.

While wandering in the wilderness of life I have found who I am. She was within me the entire time but I ignored her. I thought I would never be her. Isn’t that strange? To know who you want to be, but unable to bridge the gap? I had to let go of some layers (and I still have more I need to shed) but I am made new.

I grew up a Christian and I guess I relied on that for too long. It was a crutch I used for why I wasn’t where I wanted to be. I had to lose my religion to find myself and that realization is scary. I look around and I see people who are led by faith; I envy them but I know that my life- who I am, is different; has always been different.

It is a strange feeling- realizing that you are the person you need to trust.

Do I believe in a loving, merciful God?

I think I do but I’m not sure. I know there is a god out there. I know that life is too beautiful for it to have all been chance but I don’t relate to what I learned as a child. I am like Paul except, I am opposite.


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