Riddle Me This:

I am honest. Maybe, to a fault. I don’t have time for scheming- for making up elaborate tales. Nor do I care to convince people that I am anything other than who I am.

JulieFae1.10.15

I know that some would say that I should make sure I put my best foot forward. That I shouldn’t give people too much information too fast. I guess I understand why people say that. Goodness, I’ve gone on dates where the male sitting across from was too intense and almost girlish in his assumption that I would be his girlfriend and we’d live happily ever after. It’s taken me a long time- but I’ve finally figured it out. I’m not really interested in a long term relationship etc.

I just realized I posted that photo but didn’t refer to it. Well, I took that today. I still have my horses; however every day I wonder if they are going to be taken from me. My other worry is that I’m going to have to sell them because I can’t afford to take care of them (energywise & money wise). I put Julie up for lease and had a woman come try her out. Perfect, I thought, exactly the kind of person Julie needs. Someone to ride her and pay attention to her. Since I am who I am, however, the whole lease thing fell apart. I sensed it was going to fall apart before it ever went into place. I want what is best for my horses and Julie deserves someone who will ride her and dote on her. Fae deserves a person who will love on her and feed her lots and lots of hay. (Which isn’t me anymore)

I struggle to get to the barn in the morning ( go every day) I struggle to smile and keep on pushing forward when I just want to succumb to sleep. I struggle to love them when I don’t see this misery ending. Why do I keep doing this when the ending is inevitable? I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough. I can’t hold on any longer. I’m too exhausted from life; too tired to do more than clean their stalls, feed them and tell them I love them.

Oh, I wish I was doing more that; I didn’t have this raggedness to me. I just want to enjoy my horses but I think I won’t anymore. I lost that girlish joy of going to the barn and seeing my pretty girls. I’ve lost the happiness I had when I sat in their stalls while they munched hay. I lost my ability to dream of competing. It drifted from me and I can’t get it back. I am struggling too much and I can’t do it any more.

I keep on telling myself it will get better, but I just don’t see how. I just finished reading Shadow Kin  By: M.J. Scott and the story was unique but a love story none the less. A story about a girl struggling and how her life is turned upside down by a curious set of events (involving a handsome man). She declares she doesn’t want him but of course she does. I liked the story well enough. The book was riddled with grammatical and typographical errors. Usually, I don’t notice them, but I did. There were a lot. The author had a good story but the way it was written left me wanting.

I know now that I won’t ever produce a story worth reading. I still toy with the idea of writing; but I’m more focused on surviving. The idea that I had ever hoped to be a novelist with published books makes me laugh. Silly, how you see so clearly once you are so jaded. That’s what I am- Jaded.

In a story, if I were writing it and I were the main character, then I’d have me meet some ruggedly handsome man who is well off and looking for someone (a friend) to spend time with. A man who is careworn and tired of dealing with girls falling all over him. Yes, I want to be the girl who isn’t interested in the guy romantically but rather interested in him as a friend. A man who knows what he wants out of a career but isn’t sure what he wants personally. I’ve met plenty of guys who think they know what they want romantically- guys who aren’t career oriented nor are they driven to be successful. Those guys bore me because I have no desire to hang around people who don’t want to go places. I’m a hypocrite, if that’s the case as I live at home with my mom and I don’t make enough money to support myself.

I’ll be honest- I’m more interested in a guy who knows how to make a living and can provide for himself. Yes, how very unfeminist of me but I won’t deny it. Someone who is successful and wants to go place in life is extremely attractive. A guy who is successful and committed to helping others out is even more attractive. It’s not just the romantic aspect of things. If a guy was poor but had a plan to succeed- knew he was going to make it then he’d be interesting to me. I’m just tired of these man-boys who are full of themselves and certain they are awesome; when they can’t even explain what they hope to achieve or who they are outside of the high school days.

I like to be around people who are smart, successful and caring. I like to be around people who have a positive outlook on life. I’ll admit it- I find Tim Tebow attractive not because of his fame or fortune. In fact those are detractors. I find him desirable because he has goals, he loves helping others and he is optimistic. He is very humble (at least he seems to be) and he doesn’t take life for granted. Yes, he has fame, he is Christian and he is young and good looking. Despite those characteristics, I find him to be an interesting puzzle. Something worth learning more about. No, I’m not stalking him- not by a long shot. This is the musings of an interested third party. Someone who notices a breath of fresh air in the stale world of entertainment. That, right there, is what I think attracts the media to him most. He’s different, a puzzle and I wish him all the best in navigating those treacherous waters of entertainment.

My long tirade is almost to an end- I have to go take care of my horses, but I just wanted to, I guess fill you in on what I’m thinking since it’s been a while since my last post (like what, two days?). I wish I were someone else- that I’d learn from my mistakes and that I’d be able to make the decisions I need to make. I wish I could give up my horses without the fear of what I’d be missing. I guess it’s silly of me to wish to be anything more than a lower middle class girl who has dreams that are more that what she is capable of achieving.

Oh, and if tim tebow showed up and whisked me away, I’d totally be ok with that. Maybe, he’d come riding a pegasus and we’d ride off into a fantasy land. 

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