It’s hard to open yourself up.
While I recorded myself I kept thinking this is stupid, I’m stupid etc. Which is all the more reason for me to expose my inner self to you. My biggest worry and fear is that you will watch it and think “She’s over reacting- she’s being dramatic.” I accept the blame for everything. “It’s my fault, sorry…” but the reality is that it’s better to take the blame than to wrestle over why something happened. I took a shower to wash off all of the sharpie (yes it did wash off) and I had this whole post written in my head but now, as I write it. I can’t remember a darn thing.
Being vulnerable hurts.
I have gone through a time of transition. Every single day I battle the fear that I’m going to show up at the barn and my horses will be gone. I am so afraid that I’m going to lose them. They have been my calm in this storm- they provide me the regularity I desperately need and more importantly; I feel safe at the barn. I crave having a barn of my own a place where I don’t have to worry about whether or not my horses are still there. In the video I don’t mention my horses because writing about them, talking about them makes it more likely for them to be taken from me. I’ve already had so much taken and I don’t know if I would want to survive if I lost my horses.
That above paragraph is neither here nor there. I’m not going to write any more because sometimes less is more.