Directions

A week or two ago I read an article by a man who had done everything “right”. He had worked hard. Saved what he could. Then he got sick and he lost everything. It was an article I related to; I understood what he meant. He pretty much was saying “I did what everyone said I should do and I still came up short.”

Here is my problem- I did what I was supposed to do, what a good christian girl is supposed to do. I didn’t date in high school. I didn’t party, I didn’t stay out late. I didn’t do drugs nor did I drink. I worked hard and I tried to get good grades. Then I started having health issues. I found out I had a prolactinoma (because what girl wants to deal with that?) Then my step-dad got cancer. Then I went to college. I dropped out of college because I was failing. I found out I had narcolepsy. I went back to school. I believed the lie that going to college means you’ll get a good job and you’ll be able to pay your bills. I graduated from college. I got a full time job. My step-dad died. I struggled with grief. I quit my job after 14 months because I was so emotionally and physically exhausted.

I followed the safe route. I did what I was supposed to do. I didn’t party nor did I date. I focused on my career on getting ahead. I had friends and I had fun but I was always good.

Where did that get me? No where. 

I am tired of being fed the lies of “just do this and it will work out. Oh, it will work out. Just have patience.” I’ve been waiting my whole life. I’ve been believing things would work out. They never do.

I am determined to succeed.

On Tuesday I went to an appointment at Score to get help with starting up a small business. 

The two things I got from there: marry a man who is rich and you need money to make money. Thanks for a whole lot of nothing.

You see, I’m doing everything they told me I should do. I’m networking out, I have a website. I am trying my best to get something together. I went there for help, for compassion, for direction.

What I got was sorry you’re **it out of luck so marry rich and use that man’s deep pockets to fund your dreams. Oh, and mooch off of your parents. 

My question is- why even continue on when you have horrible cards. I’m not a gambler, I’m not an attention whore nor am I one to scam others. I just want to be able to make a living and pay my bills. I don’t play poker. If I did I’d fold the hand I’ve been dealt. I give up. 

I would join the armed forces but I can’t because of the prolactinoma and the narcolepsy. It’s like life just likes to keep kicking me when I’m down. 

I don’t even bother writing anymore because I don’t have the time. I’m running around working at three different places and I still can’t make ends meet.

The things I’m holding on to are my horses and now I just don’t see how I can keep them. The overwhelming suggestion is going to be- get rid of them.

Honestly though, I can’t take another hit. I’ve already lost so much. Losing them would do me in. 

Maybe, I need to stop taking the safe route. I’m doing the same thing over and over again. It means I’m insane. So why bother? Why do anything? I can’t catch a break. I’m sitting at a table with a jack a two and an eight. Horrible cards. 

Advertisements

One thought on “Directions

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s