Snippet- Would love your thoughts on it!

Was I some kind of circus attraction to them? Why were they staring at me? “Kailen, what’s the deal with everyone staring at me?” I wheezed as we passed the track entrance and continued on.

“No one is watching you; it’s all in your head. They’re just seeing if the track is clear. Focus on developing your breathing rhythm to get the most out of your run. No need to chit chat. You’ve got this just one more lap.” Kailen said as he began to bounce on his toes. I gritted my teeth and focused on making my stride fluid and swinging my arms in an arc to help my gait. I would finish this. We came around the final turn and I felt ecstatic. I was getting the hang of this each time I pushed off with one leg I was airborne for a moment and my legs stretched. I was a gazelle and I was powerful. We were 25 feet from the end and then 15. My right foot landed and rolled under me. I flew down and sideways and landed with a thump onto the ground. I looked up and saw Kailen stifle a snort as he stopped and stared at me. In the distance there were several muffled laughs and my cheeks grew hot as I rolled to a sitting position.

“Here, let me help you up.” Kailen said as he reached for my hand.

“Don’t touch me. Just leave me alone!” I replied as I felt every single stare and heard every single giggle. I was a freak to them. The beast broke open the box and my power sizzled under my skin. I felt alive. There was freedom when I accepted who I was.

I stood up from the ground in one smooth motion and felt my power purr as I glared at Kailen.
“Laila, you’re glowing. Do you know you’re glowing?” He said as his face turned white. Suddenly, I was no longer and ugly duckling stolen from her nest. I was the cat watching the reeds as the ducks quack-quacked along the water’s edge. I was the hunter and they were my prey.

 

Specifically I need to know: Does this grab your attention? Does it move smoothly forward? Am I showing more than telling? Can you imagine the scene? Is this something you want to read?

All thoughts and opinions appreciated!

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One thought on “Snippet- Would love your thoughts on it!

  1. It’s brave to post something and ask for critique. It is attention grabbing, and her personality catches me as much as the accident.

    I’m no expert, but since you asked.

    To me there is a bit of filtering. When she “landed with a thump” you don’t need “onto the ground”. She also doesn’t need to look up. She should just see Kailen.

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